because you're already d e a d in all the ways that matter
The day that Edmund had longed for had finally come: getting discharged from the infirmary. It had only been ten days in a row (he had been knocked out for three), but it had still been awful. He supposed they took out the arrow, and removed most of the shrapnel on his first visit. He had disrupted his healing time during his run out. He couldn't help it. He was just an infirmary flight risk by nature. After that, he got strapped to the bed so he wouldn't reopen wounds from trying to stand and function as if he was physically sound. His infirmary-phobia creeped back up on him, and the visit from Miyuki didn't make things any better.
At least Kyoto had been suffering with him instead of inflicting the torment. Better yet, Edmund was out BEFORE him. He had been commissioned to make the praetor an arm, but that was besides the point right now. Before that, he had to have a trial and stuff. He didn't even want a trial. He just wanted someone to pass a sentence. Stupid Roman justice system. He just wanted all of this to be over. Execution, banishment, dishonorably discharged, whatever. He just hated waiting. Then again, they wanted a one shot trial: him and Warlow as of now. Since she wasn't physically sound yet, no trial. He had almost expected to be discharged last, but once again, the universe proved him wrong.
That being the case, they had to put Edmund somewhere until the trial started and Warlow got better. He had been given the option of New Rome under house arrest or the dungeons. He chose the dungeons. He always knew he was going to end up in one, the only question was if he would end up in them at Mt. Orthys or at Camp. He got his answer. House arrest would be worse to him. Dungeons were better. Dungeons were what he deserved. They were more than what he deserved, in all reality. Jadis had been overjoyed to see him out of the infirmary. She had almost flattened his escort. She probably would've if Edmund hadn't told her to sit and stay. Even after getting abandoned twice, she was still ready to welcome him home, and still obeying him. Gods. Hopefully he'd be out to see Jadis again. She deserved to actually see him before he potentially got wiped off the Roman map for good. And he had to get Cinny back, some how. His robot was probably either hiding out in the forest, or had decided to whizz its way back to his master's forge desk. Whichever the case, Ed hoped it survived the war. Cinny had plenty of things in him that Edmund didn't want to lose.
Left with nothing else but his thoughts, Edmund stared up at the ceiling. Being alone with thoughts was such a bad combination, but it happened a lot. It felt like his room at Orthys all over again. Dark, depressing... but unlike Orthys, there were bars, denying him access to the door out. Unlike Orthys, he didn't have Cineribus as a radio to help him pass the time. He didn't have a forge where he could work.
This was all through his own fault. He deserved to rot down here and worse.
OOC: Deeerp o.o He's such a muse hog. IC: 552
Last Edit: Jun 30, 2014 17:37:08 GMT -5 by Deleted
Gabriel had been pretty lucky. Only about four arrows managed to make their way into his skin and they wern't too damaging. Luckily they were using arrows that were pretty traditional and not jagged edged arrowheads or deer hunting arrows. Those things were the worst and they were quite literally the size of his hands. He felt lucky that even Amelia hadn't gotten any more hurt than she did. But now that the war was over, it was time for things to go back to the way they were. Though it would never be quite right. There wasn't much of the sound of hammer ringing on metal, as the fifth cohort centurion was in the infirmary with his little sister. His own centurions, well when they got better they'd be back in full force. Charlie's injury was mostly because she was too damned stubborn to go get treatment when she got the injury. Gabriel had heard that Remus had been the same way. Some Mars children were quite stubborn like that. After he had gone to see Charlie, she had asked him to look in on some of the prisoners in the dungeons. To take them their meals and see to it if they needed anything. Honestly, Gabriel thought she was being too soft, but the prisoners had a choice between the dungeons and house arrest in New Rome. If you ended up in the dungeon after a choice like that, well you didn't exactly deserve some things. But this was an order and Gabriel wasn't about to disobey a direct order.
So he gathered up the meals for the people in the bottom of the dungeon. A couple of sandwiches, water and some fruit, and lit looked like some chips as well. It wasn't exactly a gourmet meal, but it was better then a bowl of oatmeal. Gabriel glanced at the cells before passing meals through and gathering orders of anything that the people needed. One boy simply spat in his face. That was alright, Gabriel thought as he wiped the spittle away. He made a mental note to seen the name of the boy from third cohort to his father, hopefully when the little brat died, he'd get a special place in the fields of punishment. It was always a bad idea to make an enemy of one of the big three kids, but it was an even bigger mistake to make their parents mad. Though once the traitors died, they would be within the realm of his father. That always gave Gabriel a little hope. His enemies would get what they deserved eventually. He glanced into another cell, this one a legacy of Venus. Her request was a mirror and a magazine. Gabriel nodded and jotted it down before moving on to the next cell.
Gabriel set his jaw. One Edmund Simmons sat in this cell. Thankfully there was only ONE Edmund. Gabriel didn't thing the world could quite handle another. And again, thankfully, the only way this kid would reproduce would be by spontaneously splitting in two after eating too much spicy food. “Simmons, your food.” Gabriel stated as he pushed the food through. “Jolly has me asking if there's anything you require for comfort.” Gabriel stated, staring at the little jerk through the cell bars. He wasn't exactly what you would call friends. Same cohort, yes. They shared the same barracks for years. They just existed together. He felt no sense of kinship towards this boy. Sure they had trained together for the longest time, but that was as far as any sense of camaraderie he had towards Edmund. “I don't know why Jolly bothers with you.” He stated, narrowing his eyes at the traitorous little bastard.
because you're already d e a d in all the ways that matter
Any sane person would've come clean. Any sane person would've taken a house over a dungeon. Any sane person would try to escape the brunt of punishment. But Edmund? Edmund welcomed it. It was high time he got what had been coming to him for years. So, when given the chance, he'd say "dungeon" instead of "house", and "guilty" instead of "innocent". Of course, if the sentence entailed him getting killed or getting kicked out immediately, they could always find someone else to make Jason's arm. Someone who could probably do it better. Someone who wasn't a traitor. There were probably still plenty of forge kids around. Camp didn't need him. He was replaceable by any other forger. Probably happily too: all he knew how to do was destruct and destroy. They needed the forgers who could actually fix things. Forgers who were actually good at fixing and forging.
After a few hours, Edmund heard the door to the dungeon swing open. He didn't even turn his head to look. Food, probably. He wasn't even hungry. He gave a quiet exhale, thinking on the dream that he had when Miyuki had semi-forced his body into falling asleep. It had been a nice dream. It had been the illusion he had seen while on the quest... only it had continued as if he hadn't been kicked in the leg. The only problem now? He got "kicked in the leg" when he woke up. The nice dream made him realize that nightmares could almost be a bit more tolerable. The "nice dreams" were unobtainable. They could never happen, and that just made it more painful when he woke up. He could never be normal. He could never have his quest family back together again like that. He would probably never live (or be around) long enough to see the other campers get together. No, nightmares were starting to look better. Not that he liked them, but they were better than dreaming about pleasant things that could never happen.
Suddenly, his name registered. Oh, right. Food rounds. It took him under a second to snap voice with name. Caulder. They had been in the same cohort ever since Edmund came into the Legion. Like his relationship with the entire cohort, they co-existed with each other and nothing more. He didn't even look at the food as he heard it scraping along the tiles, into his cell. Not hungry. His body was probably physically starving, but Edmund didn't have any desire to eat. Ten days of war. Ten days in the infirmary. I didn't even go to-- he cut his thoughts off right there. He couldn't... They had given him the option after he had woken up, but he had refused by silence. Kyoto had told him they had only lost twenty-eight people. One of them had been Felicity Weingarten. He didn't... I didn't go to the funeral. Pyre burning. If there was one thing he wouldn't be able to stomach after waking up in the infirmary, it was watching his unspoken best friend's body get burned a few feet from him. Instead, he stayed in the infirmary, letting the smell of smoke, and distant heat of the mass pyre burning smother him.
He kept silent for a few moments. Jolly had the friggin nerve to wonder about his comfort? He didn't want any comfort. He chose the dungeons for gods sakes. Could they not take a blatant hint? "No," he said, still gazing at the wall. "She shouldn't." No one should bother with him. Bother him? Sure. Bother with him? As in care about his well being? No. Heck, he didn't even bother with him anymore. All they should be bothering him with was what his punishment was, and torture. Not necessarily in that order.
He watched his sister fall, well at any rate he felt her die. It was the worst thing he ever experienced. Gabriel knew that she shouldn't have been fighting. Stupid civilians would just get in the way. They should have re-enlisted or something. Felicity had been dishonorably discharged. She was a disgrace to the legion. All of the hard work that Gabriel had put into rebuilding the name of Pluto, it was thrown out the window. But it didn't matter how crazy Felicity had gone, she was still his sister. She was the only one that knew what it was like to be a child of Pluto. No one else would know what it was like to be ostracized, to be shunned just because you were bad luck. It wasn't cool. It could drive anyone to the brink of insanity. He wanted to just melt into the shadows, to go into the darkness and just stay there. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't be a looser and just drop off of the face of the earth. As much as he wanted to, he had to be a strong soldier. Someone people could depend on. He had to go on. His mother needed him as did his father, or at least he liked to think so. Well if he did die, Charlie would have to go find a new pet monkey minion to go do things for her. But he knew that Edmund was his sisters best friend. Well as much of a friend as this little misanthrope got. Gabriel didn't think that this little roach deserved his sister's friendship. Warlow, Simmons, Saturn, his sister was dead because of them. Saturn was out of his realm to deal with. No that would have to go to his father. Warlow and Simmons, well they had better be lucky he wasn't a centurion and not on the council otherwise.... well death would be kind for what he had in mind. Jolly was babying this little beastly creature.
Honestly, the waiting for the trial, it was killing him. He wanted to see the traitors pay. It was a dark and spiraling path that, well when he was done with this, he'd try to go see Amelia. She was like a walking tranquilizer for him. He felt so, at peace. When this was all over, he'd have to take her some place nice and quite. Some place that wasn't here. He had to get away from this place, at least for a bit. Camp was becoming less and less like a home and more like a cancerous tumor. It was eating away at him from the inside. He wanted to talk to Remus. The man that was going to become his brother. Gabriel had always respected him, he didn't like that he was dating his sister, but there was always a bit of respect. Who couldn't respect and admire the Praetor? Remus was, for Gabriel to grudgingly admit, a Roman to be emulated. He was strong, a good leader, and his sword work was exemplary. But this thing, he couldn't even call it a roman, much less a person. It was pathetic.
“If you don't eat, I won't be able to have the satisfaction of watching you live long enough to get your empty little traitorous head separated from your neck.” Oh how he would love tormenting this boys soul, dragging this particular ghost up would be oh so gratifying. “I don't know why my sister bothered with a bloody little wanker like you. Someone who caused her damn death and she'd still love you for it. Bloody mad as a hatter. But no one was better than her glorious Edmund. How does it feel? Knowing her death stains your hands?” HE spoke Edmunds name with disdain and dripping with venom. “I think the senate wouldn't do you the justice you deserve, damn bureaucrats. They'll draw out your trial, maybe give you a dishonorable discharge, but someone around here will probably prematurely end it for you.” Gabriel snorted in derision. “not that a bastard like you deserves to live.” The itching he had in his fingers to call up a massive fissure of black hellfire, the temptation was.... well it was hard to resist.
because you're already d e a d in all the ways that matter
Edmund had promised the Felicity in his head that he would wake up. He kept his promise, only to watch her die in front of him. If he had only woken up sooner he could've saved her, or helped her, or... something... other than just being yards away and staring. Either that, or maybe he should've just listened to Em. He shoudn't've even woken up at all. At least they could've both been cracking jokes and sassing each other in the underworld. But no. Felicity was gone. Ed was here. He hadn't cried yet. Either he had shut his emotions off so much he couldn't, or he was in too much shock. Either way though, he had lost another sister right in front of him. Sure, he still had the other members of the team, but they could all go on just fine without him. Ethan had Lilith and Jason. Joshua had... a lot of people behind him plus Warlow. Lyndis had all of camp. No one needed him... and he needed no one. The trial would come and go, but if they let him live, his guilt was going no where. What would he even do with himself if they let him live? He hadn't even thought about it. He had expected to die in the quest. That didn't happen. He had expected to to die in the war. That didn't end up happening either. If he lived, he'd make Kyoto his new arm and then... and then what? Edmund exhaled, looking at the wall in front of him and making an executive decision. Then nothing. He wanted off this ride. He was tired of everything. He was only alive because he was useful. Well, his usefulness was coming to an end. Heck, even with the things he tried to do, he only made them worse. Maybe he had just tried to convince himself that he could be of some help... when he had never been of any all along.
Suddenly, a new thought hit him. He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before, but perhaps his mind was starting to go. He wouldn't be surprised, lack of sleep would do that. Caulder. He was a child of Pluto too. He was Felicity's brother. Great. Not only did he kill his own sister, but he killed someone else's as well. ....not that he really had a right to be calling her his sister or best friend... he didn't even deserve her friendship. The quest team. He would never understand them, coming to like him when there was nothing at all to like. Standing by his side even though he did everything in his power to drive them away. Why...? He didn't even deserve the quest family that he got. They were all too good for him. All of them were .... just so human. And then there was him. A treacherous monster, a machine with no redemption. Of course, he could come clean... about what he had done, but he wouldn't. Because he knew he deserved whatever punishment he got, and he didn't want to prevent it. Even if what Kyoto said was true (and it sure didn't look like it to him), he would never be able to forgive himself to what he did to the people who actually did, for whatever reason, come to like him. Kyoto may have said he saved lives, but, as he had told the Felicity in his head, he had hurt the people who had actually mattered him. It negated everything he ever did and ever would do.
Then Caulder started ranting. Ed stayed silent, letting him say whatever he wanted, uninterrupted. Finally, someone who understood what he was and what he deserved. He silently sat there, letting the verbal blow rain down on him. He made no move or sound to defend himself, for everything Caulder spat at him ran true. Heck, getting executed didn't sound so bad right now. He just wanted everything to go away. He wanted it all to be over: the pain, the tiredness, the guilt, just... everything. Everything else he said was right. No, he didn't deserve to have Felicity as his best friend. He had never said it outright, it had been unspoken, but it was true. Felicity was his best friend, and that would never change. She was one of the only ones mad enough to accept him and put up with him. He gave exhaled slightly. So Caulder did blame him for her death. Good. So did he. And damn senate. If they didn't send him to death... well, Ed was almost kind of counting on someone else trying to kill him. And yes, right again.
"You're right," Edmund said, tonelessly, turning to face him. Yes, Caulder was right about everything. "I don't."
He continued to just look at the son of Pluto, emotionless. Open to anything else Caulder wanted to say or do to him.
Demi-gods were all bastards in a way. Though the thought of the derogatory name rang in Gabriel's ears. People had called him that for years. Ever since he came to camp that's what he was, the little dead child bastard. Then things seemed to get better. He and Chris became friends, he got along alright with his sister. Well as good as siblings could be expected. Then Felicity raised that army of dead Greeks, well that went over like a fly in the whiskey. Now he was the creepy little pluto girls older brother and he was just as bad as her if not worse. He had nothing to do with it and that chicken scrawny little augur should have seen it coming. Though he had to feel as if it was fair to say that the human predictability was just as bad if not worse then trying to predict and divine the will of the gods. Then she went crazy. If Felicity was crazy, then it was for sure that any other children of Pluto or the legacies were crazy. For people who were outcasts in the normal world, they sure were judgmental and horribly mean to people who were simply the exact same as each other. Everyone was different. Everyone but Edmund. This little piece of crap, well he was a bastard. A traitorous bastard.
"How can you even live with yourself knowing that she trusted you, you stabbed her in the back. you might not have swung the sword, but you might as well have pulled her heart out and stomped on it right there." He didn't say anything, the little bastard didn't say much of anything. Even when they were simply coexisting in the same cohort, he never said much. He was a little hermit that didn't care that people cared about him. That there were people who wanted him around and that he had people that loved him even. There was something that Gabriel wanted. Some people to care about him. He had a reason to be ostracized. No one liked Pluto's children. This Vulcan brat, he wasn't worthy of the name. He had brothers and sisters, people who cared about him and he simply took advantage of them as if they were rubbish meant to be tossed away like yesterday's doughnuts.
"You have no bloody idea how many people you've hurt you wee bastard?" Gabriel asked him. Start with Remus and himself and Chris, the people who were closest to his sister. Not to mention all the friends she had, the people that were the siblings of those he had killed. People were brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, they had their own web interconnected with others. Then add on that Edmund hurt his own brothers and sisters. "you're an ungrateful little bastard, you don't deserve Lyn or my sister. you deserve to rot in the deepest parts of hell. That's the spot reserved for traitors and mutineers. And they say the deepest pit of tartrus is reserved for those who stab their friends in the back." Gabriel sneered at the boy in front of him. "Every day, reliving your worst memories till the end of eternity. Even the frozen pit of hell won't be enough for the punishment you deserve. Maybe the hellfire will suffice. Though I think my father owes me a late birthday favor, Just might call this one in." Hell if his father granted him this one thing, he'd never ask for a birthday present ever.
But then Gabriel pondered. "Or maybe sitting in Charon's waiting room for all eternity would be best for you. You look like the wee bastard that's given up. You're not even a man. You don't even deserve to be judged. You don't deserve to get the smallest chance to maybe see your loved ones again. Every single one of them is better off without you." A small fissure errupted at the base of gabriel's feet, errupting black hellfire from the depths, reacting to his own emotions. The black flame flared as his own temper flared. He hoped that one day Edmund would realize what wonderful things he had and how he was so stupid to throw them away like a spoilt child wanting a new toy to play with.
because you're already d e a d in all the ways that matter
Ever since being tossed into the dungeons, Edmund just didn't feel like doing anything. He remembered another time he had felt like this. It hadn't been the brightest patch of time in his life. He wasn't hungry, he didn't want to sleep. He just... wasn't interested in doing anything. All he could bring himself to do was stare at the three walls, the bars, and let himself drown in thoughts. It almost felt like his time in the tower at Orthys, but 500xs worse. Since his months in the tower, silently stargazing with Warlow, he saw another war, lost a family member, spent about two weeks in the infirmary. Plus everything else that plagued is thoughts on a regular basis. His time at Orthys, the quest, his time in the infirmary, the last war... the details about his life before the legion that had come rushing back after being exposed to the gas. Now, more than ever, did he just want to disappear and go back to it. He could disappear and die in that room. Better than being here. Or actually existing. Then again, he deserved this sort of slow torture: being left with this thoughts and living his life as a demigod and not dying. Nearly dying (several times) and adopting a family (eve, only to watch it fall apart. Getting put into the infirmary and being saved, only to watch his sister die. It was like he was doomed to burn every family he dared to try and make. Maybe he hadn't physically burned them this time, but metaphorically speaking, he had. He had left them. Ditched. He had honestly thought it was best for them. No one needed him. He could at least do something productive at Orthys. At least he could try to be useful. He had been a dead weight to the camp and to people around him. Once he went to Orthys, maybe he could make a difference. Maybe try to make it safer for camp. Give them what they needed to come out on top. But, just like everything else, he had failed. Camp may've won, but he had hurt those closest to him in the process. He had done irreversible damage to his relationship with Lyn, and hadn't been there in time to save Felicity.
Edmund bit the inside of his lip as Caulder continued to rage on one of two subjects that had the power to rip him from the inside out: Felicity. All Ed could really do at the moment was take it. Caulder was right, of course. The Felicity at Orthys had seemed to get her memories back. Or most of them, anyway. She had been back to the spunky, sassing daughter of Pluto that he had befriended (unbeknownst to her). Did he deserve her as a friend? Hell no. If she had gotten her memories back... how had she taken him disappearing? As bad as Lyn had? Worse? Edmund hadn't exactly let himself reflect on his family's reactions at Orthys. He had a job to do. But now that he was here, useless, selfish bastard that he was, and he had nothing better to do, why not? He had backstabbed everyone. The Legion, and the questers. The questers had probably been on more of a personal level though. It had been one of the reasons he had distanced himself. It would be easier to die. It would've been "easier" if one of them had died. He had hoped they wouldn't take his abandonment personally. That he could build up the illusion that they didn't mean anything to him. Downside: it had to work both ways. They had to have Ed mean nothing to them. Ed never fully convinced himself. He knew he'd hurt them. That he was horrible. That he was going to hell and worse for it. But he had expected them to pick up the slack. Had expected them to start hating him, even after they had fought and defended each other for six months. All incorrect expectations. They still cared about him. Why the hell would they? WHY?! He still couldn't understand. If only they had stopped... it would've made everything easier. Edmund could've let himself die in peace. He had done his job as an anonymous spy, had severed ties, and would've had no reason to stay.
Truth was, he wasn't exactly sure that he wanted to live with the knowledge of how much he had hurt everyone that mattered to him. He knew he had hurt a hell of a lot of people emotionally. Physically, during the war, he had avoided killing demigods. A knock out was all they got. He had killed a hell of a lot of monsters though. Trying to destroy the monster he had become himself in the process. Shrapnel bombs. Swords. Daggers. But nothing could ever make up for the mental and emotional killing he had done. Over and over he had lived with what he had done. He steeled himself and soldiered on. The jenga tower stabilized. But this was starting to become one time too much. The block that would take down the entire tower had started to wiggle out. Further and further it would go, until the entire tower went down. No, he was right. Caulder was right. He didn't deserve Felicity, Lyn, or any other of the quest members. He didn't deserve a family. Caulder actually did have a good grasp on what he did deserve though. "I know..." he said quietly. An agreement to everything he had ranted.
And then came the words of confirmation. The thought that had nudged the first domino into falling. "They are."
They were all better off without him.
Then the hell fire appeared. Edmund visibly flinched away. His fear of fire open fire still remained. Stubborn Roman he was though, he made himself stay there. Although, he had to wonder: was he being a stubborn Roman, or hoping that the fire would spread towards him and end him?
OOC: IC: hahahaha welcome to 1,007 words of self loathing
Last Edit: Jul 25, 2014 11:44:08 GMT -5 by Deleted
CENTURIONS:
FIRST COHORT: Kit Albright
Christopher Ashby
SECOND COHORT: Michael O'Connell
Lucius O'Connell
THIRD COHORT: Bruno Steinmetz
Mattan Ballas
FOURTH COHORT: --
--
FIFTH COHORT: --
--
SPQR
CREDITS
Percy Jackson and The Olympians, and Heroes of Olympus, and their characters belong to Rick Riordan. All original characters belong to their respected owners/players.
LJ icon cred: poptartmuse
