Like Nothing's Changed At All || Tessa

[Deleted]

because you're already D e a d In all the ways that matter They had allowed Edmund to stay as a New Rome civilian. Who the hell, what the hell, why the hell, how the hell? No excecution? No complete expulsion? He thought at least one of those. But no. Idiots. So what could he do? Only thing he knew how to do: go back to the forge and forge so he could be a tiny bit useful. Of course, he was back to square one (again. Useless... so useless). Days out of the forge at Orthys, the war, the infirmary, the dungeons. All time away from fire. All time to get him freaked out again. At first he didn't even want to bother. Fine, community service and blah blah blah, but since when did Ed ever listen to orders from on high? But still, he felt like he owed camp, big time. No one ever learned (and would probably never would learn) about his tipster business (and that's the way he wanted it). He'd take the hatred and punishment for what he had done in stride, because he deserved it. And so much worse. True, he felt like he should stay in the forge since he at least owed the camp to do some meager good, but the truth was, he knew the forge was fine without him. Better, actually. He was just doing it as a pathetic try to ease his conscious. It didn't help at all, but he just didn't know what else to do with himself. So, after two or three days of semi freak outs (and he was still trying to adjust), it was back to work in the forge. Sure, he had gotten his fair amount of death threats, but Edmund didn't exactly care. He had probably stopped legitimately caring about his well being since--Uh. He couldn't remember. Wow, that long ago. He was waiting for that day Caulder had predicted: someone taking him out of anger or revenge. They had every right to be angry. He had expected to be put on the chopping block and hadn't been. If someone compared a before quest and after battle picture of him, it would be like nothing head changed. Of course, everything had. Ed was no longer spending his nights in the barracks, but on the roof tops of houses in New Rome or in the forge. Before, Ed had liked forging. He had found enjoyment in it. Now, he didn't really have an interest in doing it. It was all just going through motions. Doing things people knew he would. But really, they didn't need him. They had all probably missed Cinny, not him. He didn't blame them either. Cinny was the more useful thing out of the pair of them. Ronan had also said that he and Tessa had looked after Jadis. That Jadis became somewhat of a mascot. She even had a gigantic play tree in the back. It was good that she had other people to care and look after her. True, she had been overjoyed at seeing Ed again, and would nuzzle him to no end whenever he came into view, but how much right did he have to say that Jadis was his anymore? He had repeatedly disappeared. The others had stayed. Speaking of staying... Edmund eyed the door, padlocked. Ronan had said that it was to keep Tessa out. True, Ed had shooed her out a couple of times, but it was weird to think that the had resorted to padlocking the place down. Stubborn friggin Roman that she was, Ed still had his money betting on the fact that she'd find another way in. OOC: haha iPad posting! Hope what I said was okay. If different results, I'll change it. I tried not to get too specific. IC: 604

[Deleted]

I'm   forced to   fake a smile a laugh everyday of   my   life Eddie-mund ::Tag 434 ::Words hahaha....ha ::Notes

Tugging on the padlock Tessa was getting more annoyed than ever at the fact she was being locked out of the forge. She was a centurion of second cohort! She was the head of the infirmary! It must be some kind of pay back for when she would do the very same thing to Jason when he would get himself injured, not lock him out of the forge but perhaps his office. Take all of his paperwork. Tell him to go rest and heal. That was Jason though, and this was her! Jason was loved by his brother, by his nieces, and many other people. He was funny, supportive, caring to a fault. Her silly uncle needed someone to look after him or he'd work himself to the bone for other people. He needed someone to try and be strong and supportive of him or he'd end up keeping it all inside so he could be supportive to other people. That was her wonderful uncle she loved so much. She was selfish, she wanted the attention. Needed the attention. Not from being injured, but from being a good girl. From being a good centurion, and good medic. How was she supposed to do that when they wouldn't let her do anything? Looking high and low for the key, surly they must have hidden it somewhere. They couldn’t expect everyone to pick the lock if they wanted into the forge, though it was a kind of fun idea. Training with mechanisms. Tessa would never get in if that was the requirement to get in. She came across some windows, a few area's for people to dump their garbage and scraps and things that couldn't be used anymore, but no key. By the time she got back around to the front Edmund was there, and while she was glad to see he was safe and sound. No vigilantes from New Rome or anything trying to kill him, she worried about that for some reason. He was not someone she wanted to see around the forge though, he always tried to shoo her away. She couldn't help but look him over though, making sure he really wasn't hurt as she got closer. “Hey Edmund...” he probably knew why she was here. Perhaps why she had come from the backside of the forge as well. She didn't really sneak into places, or have the aptitude to think of things that weren't ways in as a way in – until Mercury kids started trying to break in or out. “How have you...been holding up? Did you find somewhere to stay?”

Lyrics from Because of You by Kelly Clarkson
Code done by step

[Deleted]

because you're already d e a d in all the ways that matter For the past few days, all Edmund could think about when he got near fire were burning his letters, his quest members, and burning MBs. He had burned all sorts of letters: sent, unsent, to the dead, to the living, ones written when he was upset, ones written to try to inform, and one trying to explain himself. She had left him one. It would only be fair for him to leave one in return... but no, he couldn't. He had tried, but failed. Just like everything else he did. He had burned plenty of living and non living organisms. Sometimes it didn't matter if they were alive or dead. He ended up hurting people just the same. Maybe Em and Ronan were right. He should've gotten checked into an insane asylum. Or some other place that dealt with teenaged with issues. Em had thought that Camp Jupiter was Ed's fix to being a weird child. How wrong she had been... It had made him worse. It had made other people's lives worse. A few weeks ago, he had the chance to go into another place that could "deal with him". Seemed like that was the only way people could put up with him: if he wasn't there. True, all demigods were insane, but if Ed was truthful about everything he'd done: from trusting Discordia when he was nine, to continue playing the role of hardcore traitor now, he was really... as Ronan had put it "off his rocker". Had been for for a long time. Besides, there wasn't many other explanations for daily talks to a tree other than insanity. Although, if people knew her... they could probably deduce. Not that he should've been doing it. She had ignored him time and time again, but maybe... one day she'd decide to come up. Not that he had much hope. Ed had been horrible. He didn't deserve her as a friend, or a quest member, or anything, really. Like being in the forge, it was just a pathetic attempt. He wanted to see her again.... and when Ed wanted something, well. His mind kinda stuck to it. But then again, so had hers. He understood and respected if she didn't come though, because he knew he didn't deserve closure... or to see her again. He finally tore his eyes away from the fire. All the memories of things he had lost to the flames. He looked over at the pile of scrap metal. The forge had started making bigger and bigger piles ever since he took Cinny with him. Cinny'd usually melt some of those down. Edmund took a look at his machine and then bit the inner part of his lip. Couldn't. Not now. Had to get out of here. Out. Out. Out. Not even caring that the key for the inside was right by the door, Ed lock picked himself out. He could hear the mutters that usually followed him nowadays. Heck, mutters had always followed him ever since the quest, he had just been able to block them out better. Now though... Edmund pushed the door open. The heat from outside was a little less than the heat inside, but at least there was no fire. No smoke. No intense heat. Then he saw Tessa and shut the door. He knew it. Still trying to get in, the idiot. But at least she couldn't find the key and she couldn't lock pick. Well, he guessed she could teach herself how to lock pick, but he supposed she hadn't. "Hi," he said tonelessly. "I'm fine." His standard answer. "Rooftops. No rent." OOC: ha...hahaha... *cries* (thetreeisFelicity's*cough*) IC: 603

[Deleted]

I'm   forced to   fake a smile a laugh everyday of   my   life Eddie-mund ::Tag 589 ::Words stahp ::Notes

It was not the smartest thing Tessa had ever done, but probably not the stupidest either. To be trying to get into the smoke filled forge, with half healed lungs. The short amount of time she had been able to get into them between Edmund, Ronan, Gunnar, and the lock on the door were filled with pain. Burning shooting pain through her chest. Admittedly this was the same woman ready to stand up and fight with a broken arm, and internal bleeding. Just after she had actually lay dead on the battle field for minutes, brain cells loosing oxygen. Okay, perhaps a few brain cells died during the whole exchange. It didn't exactly give her the right to act this way. "Roof tops aren't good for you." Tessa spoke as if she wasn't trying to do something much worse to herself than sleeping on roof tops. Though she didn't sound like her normal worried, determined to make you healthy voice. It carried a flatness, a lack of faith and hope for herself. She didn't go on about where he should stay, harping on him about his sleeping habits or offering him her own money to find a place to stay. She was strangely quiet about it, other than that single line. She looked towards the door. Edmund had made sure to close it, instead of leaving it even a bit open in case she wanted to try and sneak by. Though stalking around the perimeter looking for a key was as sneaky as Tessa got. She wouldn't try to get passed Edmund, not while he was still standing in the door way. She'd ask. Hopeless eyes traced back from the door to the young man's face. "Can't you just unlock the door for me? They're just overreacting, my injuries are healing really well." Perhaps they would be if she stopped doing such self destructive things while her internal organs where still healing from being cut open. "Just a little while?" she didn't want to sound desperate, but she was. Desperate to prove she could still do something other than sew and knit plushies. No one else would let her in. Their faces went pale when she even suggested it, maybe Ronan or Gunnar had said something to them. Edmund though, no one could threaten Edmund. No one could pull rank on him even before he left Camp. He was probably her only hope for a way to prove she wasn't worthless. To show she could still do something, anything, they might praise her for again. She still tried to help in the infirmary. If she could do that then Jason would be proud of her still. Lilith would still like her. Gunnar was a little harder, but he liked knives. She could make him a dagger. He'd like that. Ronan would like that if he just let her. If he just saw that she could still forge something. Edmund never liked her, he never would. She was nothing special. Nothing she had done yet got him to like her, and she didn't know what else to do. She helped in the forge sometimes, she kept his desk clean. She took care of Jadis. She gave him tea to help him sleep. But he saw she was just selfish. She believed anything she did was for attention, though other people told her that wasn't true. She liked doing it, and she'd keep on doing it. In her mind though, she only liked it because it make people like her more.

Lyrics from Because of You by Kelly Clarkson
Code done by step

[Deleted]

today's life class: hypocrisy 600  Edmund had done a lot of stupid things in his life. His past year or so in the legion just showed how crazy he could get. His first acts of rebellion consisted of talking back to teachers when they told him everything he was doing wrong. When they chastised him for saving his own life or trying to be helpful in a computer lab. He just honestly didn't want to get expelled, and speaking up for yourself was good, right? Telling the truth was good, right? For other kids, maybe, but not for him. Telling the truth for him meant detention and expulsion. Besides, getting kicked out of yet another school would upset his parents.... His final stupidity act as a child was something he couldn't remember: in an attempt to fit in and get friends at yet another new school, Edmund had sworn on the river styx... and then broke it. Oh yeah. And then there was the fact that he wanted to keep himself safe, so he listened to Discordia and accidentally set his house on fire. Couldn't forget that one. Then Em. He had started to blatantly hate authority and could lie like a pro. No one was able to pull rank on him. Centurions, Praetors, Gods. That's when all the other problems started happening: animals, rib, arm, infirmary. No one knew the real him (was there a "real him" anymore?) or the true motives behind anything he did. Hence he could go on the quest while being semi detached. He could go to Orthys, write to Camp as anonymous, come back, and plead guilty.  He had honestly expected some sort of lecture following the single sentence, but everyone had been pretty run down since the war. Yates being no exception. She actually sounded a bit like what he thought he sounded like: flat, although she also did have a tired, resigned tone to her voice as well. Something Edmund had been trying so desperately to keep out of his own voice. "Neither is coming in here with internal chest injuries." Okay, so he shouldn't really've been talking since he had come in after training with bruised ribs a couple of times, but still. It was him. He didn't care. No one else would care. But this was Yates. She had people that didn't want her to hurt herself. "No. You're a medic. You know you'll aggravate them and reverse healing." He probably deserved some sort of hypocrisy award, but hey. What he did to himself, whatever. Master of self (and other) destruction. All he needed was a master switch. Besides, he had seen her when she had tried coming in before. It had probably been hard to breathe. She had been lucky that she hadn't fainted or something. Or maybe she had and that's why the lock got put on. Whatever the case though, Edmund wasn't going to be the one to let her in. Also there was something else... "I, uh, wanted to thank you. For... y'know. Taking care of Jadis, and keeping my desk... You could've taken it. I mean. I was gone, so." Technically, anyone could've cleaned him out and taken in. Edmund no longer being a part of the camp and all.... And Jadis seemed happy and healthy. She had an entire set in the back, and a bed in Tessa's office. When he had gone to clean out his bunk, there had been traces of food and water. Still, she came to him. Why, he had no idea. Animals. Even so, Edmund had getting back on track to taking care of her himself. IC: 602

[Deleted]

I'm   forced to   fake a smile a laugh everyday of   my   life Ed ::Tag 683 ::Words self loathing ::Notes

Pain laced its was through her chest, even now. Breathing calmly, normally. It still hurt, because she still tried to do cohort exercises. Since Nova had gotten back to the cohort she had started doing practices in her wheelchair though. To encourage the girl. So she'd know being in a wheel chair didn't make her worthless, useless as a Roman. Tessa was such a hypocrite, though she'd never admit it. Her excuse would always be that it was Nova. That she was a sweet girl, and didn't have to do anything for attention. She had love an adoration no matter what, because of her wonderful personality. All the legacy could think of was how much work she had to do for her parents attention. How she had to excel in everything so they would pat her head. So they would spend time with her. So they would even look at her. She was so pathetic even her own parents.... No. She couldn't think that her own parents didn't love her. That would break her too badly. She held onto the idea that she just wasn't good enough to get them to pay attention. Not interesting enough for them. It was just ADHD. That's all. They loved her. Most of the time she'd even forget about what they said before she left them. She'd forget about how they said they would have money to do as they wanted without having to worry about her. No guards, no baby sitters, no teachers. They would even be free of obligations like movie premiers for the small child. Every time she did remember those words, her mind would fall into a dark place. Where she wasn't loved. Where she couldn't be loved. No matter how hard she worked. "My injuries are fine...." though even she knew they weren't. A little bit of self denial. "They'll still heal, just....a little slower. It won't even scar." she touched her collar bone, her fingers softly searching out the injuries beneath her skin. She wasn't looking at Edmund, not at his face. She didn't want to see. Perhaps there was disappointment in his eyes. Perhaps.....hate. No, she couldn't bare to look people in the eyes recently. The pity. The disappointment. How peoples eyes would glaze over when they were bored with a subject, or a person. "As long as I don't...work too hard. I'll be fine." Her blood ran cold. "No." she said quietly, meekly. She brought her hands together again, rubbing her thumb against the palm of her other hand. "No, I didn't do anything worth thanking." her voice was a little shaky, though she'd spoken loud enough to at least be heard now. "Lyndis...and Ronan....they didn't even like when I would use your desk. All I did was keep it clean. Jadis....she's....I didn't do anything. She had a place to stay....in my office. I learned some about lion anatomy for her to be fed right, and if she got hurt....I could help her. I just...did it for me...." Wasn't that the only person she ever did anything for? Herself. She knew she was selfish, and petty. She would judge people by what they wore, how they held themselves. She categorized people by what they did. She loved Gunnar for the attention he gave her. Her relationships, perhaps they were all fake. Maybe she didn't even know what love really was. She was a weeping child, that's all she was. Yeah. She was still a child. Who made her centurion? Who made her head medic? She didn't know what she was doing. Had she put on a good show? She was always a good actress, maybe that was the only reason anyone chose her for anything. The only reason anyone liked her, because they didn't know how dark and wicked she was inside. That's what always made true villains in the movies. Not the actions, not hurting people. You can have anti-hero's that do that. No, it was the selfish ambition. Tessa was a villain. No better than the thing she hated most in the world. No better than Saturn.

Lyrics from Because of You by Kelly Clarkson
Code done by step

[Deleted]

because you're already d e a d in all the ways that matter Breath control was hard. Even harder when you had injuries. Breath control could tell you a lot about a person: if they were nervous, lying, in control, hurting, angry... what have you. Breath control, stance, eyes, facial expressions... all good ways of gaging a person, depending on the person. Throughout the years, some people (like yours truly) had taught themselves vigorous self control over emotions. It had been the only way they could survive here. Have no heart. Be a total machine. Or at least, that's what they thought. Edmund did fall through the cracks every now and then. He had during the quest. He had, to an extent, at Orthys, while sitting on the top of the tower. Silence didn't always equal control. Even the best of people could mess up sometimes, no matter how long they had their facade going. Could it even be considered a facade after this long, or was it now just pure personality? How many people's lives and personality were a total lie here? Ed couldn't know. His life through lies of omission, sure. But "personality"? He had been this way for as long as he could remember.... maybe this was just him now. A boy who had taught himself, had wanted, to become a machine, but instead, had become a monster. Breathing had been hard when he was at the hospital. For one he had panicked. Two, he had spent a day or two with a tube to help him breathe since he had inhaled too much smoke. From what he had heard, Yates's breathing should've been difficult as well, yet there she was, standing infront of him and acting as if nothing was wrong with her health. Word of New Rome was that she had almost died. Did her lung collapse? Just a lot of chest wounds? Edmund didn't know, and he had no desire to know. All he knew was that Ronan had put a lock on the forge door, and that he was supporting the "keep Yates out" policy. So, if she wanted in, tough luck. Breathing probably hurt for her, but like nearly everyone else in this Roman camp, she sucked it up. The idiot girl was probably going to training too... Call him presumptuous, but A) she was trying to get into the forge even though she clearly should've been there B) she was part of second cohort, only one less than first and C) that's what he would've done too. Of course, he and Tessa were nothing alike. She saved people, he ruined people's lives (or worse, killed them). She hadn't become a traitor, he had. She had achieved great things: second cohort centurion and head medic, he did nothing but mess things up. But they had both been raised in the Legion since age ten. They had been raised with the same fighting ideals. Don't sit around. Go train. What they personally did with them varied to different degrees, but still. Ed was getting the more, "I'm going to continue on even when I'm seriously hurt" vibe from Yates than the "okay, I'll sit out for a while". Gods. She was going to give Ronan and the others a heart attack. As if this place hadn't gone to the dogs enough after the war ended. Camp needed Yates: as a centurion, as a medic, and as a friend. They couldn't risk losing her. Her life was worth saving... "Right." Everything and I'm: Always Fine. What complete and utter BS. And what complete and utter hypocrite he was turning out to be. "Rest until they all heal completely, and then come back," Edmund responded flatly. He ended up looking at the top of Tessa's head. Usually it was him averting direct glances... now it was her. Odd. Then again, gaze averting was a side effect of lying. "Sure you have," Edmund said, a slight scoff in his voice. Was this girl even hearing herself? People (including him) probably owed her their lives. Ed gave his eyes a slight roll. "If I ever ditch again, you have express permission to claim my desk." Honestly, Ed didn't see the problem. He had betrayed camp. Had made it obvious it wasn't his home anymore... yet they were still defensive over his friggin desk? "For you or not, that still sounds like you looked after her." UT: @tessa COMMENTARIUM: Sorry for the wait D: VERBA: 725

[Deleted]

I'm   forced to   fake a smile a laugh everyday of   my   life Ed ::Tag 507 ::Words LATE!!! SORRY!! ::Notes

“It was just two little cuts, and in the shoulders. Nothing you or anyone else should worry so much about.” Okay, omitting the part where the daggers had dug so deep they pierced her heart, or the part when Apollo had to heal her or she would be having this conversation with someone in Elysium right now. Probably not Elysium though, she'd pick the option of getting reborn to go through all this again. Perhaps in her next life she could be someone who was loved. To just be, not to work so hard for love. She couldn't really expect Edmund to understand that. What it was like to have to work so hard just to keep the people you loved interested in you. He was handed love on a silver platter, and pushed it away. She shook the jealousy from her mind. It wasn't right. It was ugly. It would push everyone away, and she knew it. If they ever found out how ugly she was inside. She had to hide it, or at least try to. She thought that was probably the reason she helped people so much, though it honestly wasn’t. She would help people whether they knew it or not, whether they treated her kindly or not. She saw everything she did as selfish, so of course she would translate even that to something she did for herself. She shook her head, she never thought a single thing she did was worth thanking. Not really. She did it because seeing them smile made her happy. So it was really for herself, right? That warm fuzzy feeling she got when she helped, that made her selfish. She couldn't look at him, not right now. Perhaps he'd be able to see the guilt in her eyes. Perhaps he'd ask why. Perhaps he'd find out how worthless she was. He had seen her practicing forging. Other people seemed to think she magically was able to make little things over night, and she liked it that way. The same with everything else she did. She was always such a klutz at first, and had to learn the movements. Master them. He knew. “Please Edmund.... I haven’t done a single thing worth thanking. Not really.” Again she shook her head. “Probably even if you die they'll leave it as your desk. They love you very much....” there was a pang in her heart again. Jealously. He'd probably reply that they shouldn't, or something stupid like that. She could hear it in her head, in his voice. Though he was right about Jadis. She had looked after the small lion, perhaps not so small anymore. She was close to outgrowing Tessa's office space. She still couldn't look at him, except maybe his feet. “If you ditch again, they'll still care. Me too. There's something about you that makes so many people care about you. I wish....” she shook her head. She couldn't say it out loud, though she almost did. “I wish you'd learn to accept that you're irreplaceable.”

Lyrics from Because of You by Kelly Clarkson
Code done by step

[Deleted]

because you're already d e a d in all the ways that matter Of course it was nothing. To the stubborn Romans, almost dying "was nothing". Seriously. One of them could be beaten within an inch of their life and still be cracking insults or rolling their eyes. Okay, maybe that was a bit extreme. The point of it all being that Romans conditioned themselves, over time, to mask their pain. Really well. Scarily well. Half of Camp could've nearly died within the ten days of war, but other than some time in the infirmary, no one would be able to tell. Physical, mental, and emotional pain had to be suppressed and or denied. It became part of living at the Legion. Part of the culture. Part of how to survive. "Of course that constitutes your breathing," Edmund grumbled with an eye roll. "I'm not worried," he denied, half under his breath. Automatic. Too easy... He shouldn't've been thinking anything, since he was one himself, without any denial, but this camp was full of hypocrites. Tessa Yates, head of the infirmary. Worried about everyone.... except herself. Looking after everyone... except herself. Then again, it could be said for a lot of the Legion members. Forget about the self, look out for the whole, the cohort, or for the family, or whatever people had around here. And then there was Ed: selfish. Looking out for himself and not caring about the collateral damage that he imposed. He subconsciously turned the bracelet on his wrist, looking out towards a large oak tree. Its leaves were falling off... No. He couldn't even think about it right now. She didn't even look at him. Edmund may've not liked socializing, but he could still pick up on cues. Non-eye contact was usually shame, shy, lying.... Edmund had picked up on that, and had taught himself to just look everyone in the eye, no matter what he was feeling. No matter what he shouldn't be feeling. Once or twice he slipped... but those times were far and few between. Did she really have that low of an opinion of herself? Then again, he had nearly no room to talk. Talk about the self-loathing. They should start a club. "Yes. There is," he said stubbornly. "I ditched. You took great care of Jadis. You save lives, Tessa. You're a great leader." As opposed to him. "Hell, you saved my life. ....twice." You shouldn't've. So...." he cleared his throat slightly. "Thanks for that too." Yes, Edmund hated the infirmary. He hated the sterilization. The needles. Everything. But that didn't necessarily mean that he hated everyone in it. They were just doing their jobs... not their fault that he went into panic attacks... not really... "I amend that. You have my strict permission to beat sense into them," he said with a scoff. They made no sense. He fricken LEFT. His desk should've been cleared out. Same thing if he friggin DIED. No reason to leave an empty desk. Give it to someone who'll use it. "They shouldn't." He mimicked a certain girl's eyebrow scrunch. "You shouldn't." He stood there, not exactly sure what to do with this. Of course, deny it since that's what he felt, but everyone would just say that it wasn't true... even though that it was: he was replaceable. He shouldn't've been cared about. He wasn't needed. Worthless. Monster. Freak. "I not. I'm the most replaceable out of any've you." UT: @tessa COMMENTARIUM: Sorry for the wait. OMGODS. 500+ words of self loathing ._. Sorrrry VERBA: 563

[Deleted]

I'm   forced to   fake a smile a laugh everyday of   my   life Ed ::Tag 549 ::Words x__x ::Notes

She didn't even have the heart to deny her lungs being in bad shape right now. That her breathing was slightly compromised. That Edmund wasn't worried. Though the last part she knew, after all how could he be worried about her? Even if he was so kind to anyone and everyone, helping her to often when she would hurt herself in the forge. Not saying a word to her, just helping. Expecting nothing. Denying everything. How could he worry? She was so pathetic, crawling and begging to be useful to someone. She resisted crying as her own mind belittled her. Thinking how she wasn't fit to be a centurion, to be the head medic. How she should have resisted more when Jason put her in charge. She even spoke to Remus about being a centurion. Speaking. She should have never done it. Not a word to any living soul until she was able to complete her ten years of service. That had been her plan at the beginning, but that dedication was broken. Certainly if she would be a centurion she had to speak, but if she had simply denied the spot it would have been better for everyone. Perhaps someone else could have kept those medics from dying in the war. Perhaps they could have stayed back and been kept safe. If someone else had been made centurion of Second Cohort perhaps they could have stopped those who died fighting for Camp Jupiter. Perhaps someone else would have been able to help her cohort after Valerie's death. Someone could have helped her uncle better. Helped Zidane. Anyone could have helped better than she could if only they were given the chance. A chance she had stolen. Her pale red hair caught the light as she shook her head back and forth slightly, trying to deny his words. She was about to say something but he continued. She wasn't expecting him to. Edmund hardly gave explanations, hardly talked very much to anyone but Lyndis, Nova, or someone close to him like that. Though it seemed like today he wasn't being his usual distant self. This was the second time he said thank you to her today. Both times he had spoken several sentences, highly unusual really. So she did what anyone would do. She stopped. She looked at him. She listened. She gave a slight nod when he was done. "You're welcome." her voice curled tenderly around the words, beguiling and syrupy. Something you might expect from the sirens on the rocks of Anthemoessa. The soft ache in her heart deepened though. He was so nice. She knew that the thank you he spoke didn't care about her reasons. She had already given them, and he said it again. It was all she could say. The stubbornness of them both seemed inhuman really, though perhaps not surprising wince they weren't entirely human. He might have scoffed and denied every bit of what she said, denying that anyone should care in the slightest about him. Tessa did the same. Denying anyone should care about her. Both of them thinking they were the worst person in existence. That they were so very replaceable. There was a bit of a difference though. "No Edmund. You're not. I've seen myself replaced. Have you?"

Lyrics from Because of You by Kelly Clarkson
Code done by step

[Deleted]

because you're already d e a d in all the ways that matter A couple of people in the legion shared a certain set of characteristics. They thought they were the worst. That they didn't deserve anything. They didn't have good self esteem. They were full of self-loathing, but played it off. How they played it off depended. In Ed's case, he let his self-hatred come through every now and again. But for the most part, he played it off with "I'm fine", "I don't care", eye rolls, and sarcastic remarks. Other than that, he used his usual MO. Distance. Distance was they key to everything. Physical, emotional, whatever it took to dislocate himself from his feelings. But Tessa... how could she not see everything she had done? For others and for him. Who cared if it started out selfish. Who cared if she wanted to be noticed at first? Even after she got noticed, she continued. Selfish or not, she was doing great things: helping people and contributing positively. Everyone craved attention, it was just human nature. When it came to him though, anyone who got bold enough to touch or give a compliment, would get snapped at, and he would automatically flinch away. Still, they stayed. And still, he just wondered why. Sometimes silently, other times out loud. Their answers were always confusing and illogical. Just as all emotions were. Ever since Edmund had gotten back from Orthys, his usual personality had gotten toned down. If only by a notch or two. There had only been only a hand full of people who had seen him like that pre-war. A calmish Edmund. One that didn't snap and throw daggers every other minute. Just the thought of it was kind of laughable... until it started to happen. At first it was little things. Sassing with Felicity instead of outright insulting her. (Hey, sass arguing was somewhat entertaining.) Grudgingly going to the Valentine's day event with Charlie. (Not like he had anything better to do that night. Stupid people and their holidays.) Quietly assisting Tessa in the forge whenever it looked like she needed help. (But no, no, not helping. He wasn't worried. He wasn't concerned. He didn't care. He just didn't want to file an incident report.) Then the quest happened. (No, he didn't care it was just...uh. He wanted to show the gods wrong. Yeah, that was it.) But still, he was rude, a freak, a flight risk, a traitor, a monster, and overall, just not a pleasant person. Still not a person worthy of anything good he had gotten. He didn't deserve any thanks. Heck, he didn't even ask, expect, or look for it. Yet he got it anyway. Illogical people. He shook his head and gave a scoff. Of course she wouldn't accept the answer. No one ever did. Friggin stubborn Romans that they were. He wondered if they were just stubborn as a person, if it was because they were demigods, or if they adapted that subculture after being in Camp so long. Gods help the kids of demigods. Double the stubbornness. And people called him hard headed. He looked at her quietly, his mind drawing a blank. Then again, it hadn't been the first time he purposefully didn't remember something. His first instinct was to say that he was sure she hadn't been, but there was plenty of things he didn't know about her. COMMENTARIUM: Sorry for the wait D: VERBA: 558

[Deleted]

I'm   forced to   fake a smile a laugh everyday of   my   life Eddie-mund ::Tag 476 ::Words x__x ::Notes

He laughed at her, or what sounded very much like one to her ears. She looked down at the ground and clung to the front of her shirt, just over her heart. Of course he would laugh at her. Everyone had to. Tessa Yates, abandoned and replaced by her own parents. She hadn't heard about her mothers family, or if the daughter of Apollo had one again. Tessa assumed so. She was so loving, not unlike Tessa's father. There was something wrong with Tessa, something that left her unable to be loved. Lilith would leave her one day. Jason would replace her with a sister that was better. Gunnar would inevitably find someone who was actually loving and caring instead of the facade she put up. She believed her entire personality to be a fake, something she used to cover up the ugliness that was her own heart. She wasn't nice. She wasn't a good girl. She was everything that was wrong in the world, and that's why no one could love her. Edmund hadn't said a word, he just stood there between her and the door. Strengthening the thought that he had never been replaced. She wanted to cry. What had she thought? What had she wanted? For him to say he had been replaced? To not feel so lonely? What kind of sick person was she that she'd want someone else to feel this kind of pain? Her hands freed themselves from her shirt, wrinkled as it was now from being held so tightly. She looked at them a bit sickened. She looked like a normal person. Walked around like a normal person. Pretended to be a normal person. She wasn't. She was vile. Something you might find in a story book villain. Ding dong the wicked witch is dead. Would they say that about her? Perhaps if she was a daughter of Trivia, but she wasn't. She was just a legacy. Broken in all the ways that mattered. A sharp inhale nearly started it. The burn against the back of her eyes, the tremble of her hands. Blurry vision. Instead she swallowed, as hard as she could. Forcing those feelings back. Pushing them away. Ugly feelings, she had to do better. To try harder. She could. A deep breath and a stuttered exhale. Eyelids touched, once, twice, three times as the legacy blinked away the tears. Through slightly red, puffy eyes she looked at him again. "Sorry Edmund. Sorry for bothering you. I'm fine." She looked him in the eye, forced a soft smile. She stood straight like she always did, shoulders back, proper posture. Head was high, instead of facing down. She gave a bit of laugh. "I guess water works won't work on you? Any other guy it probably would have worked on. You really won't let me in the forge?"

Lyrics from Because of You by Kelly Clarkson
Code done by step

[Deleted]

because you're already d e a d in all the ways that matter Even if Ed did say anything, it wouldn't really help either side. Stay quiet, and Tessa'd probably feel worse about herself. Give a false name and A) he was lying (like he's never done that before) B) It'd just look like he was one upping her and C) It probably wouldn't've helped anyway. If anything, she may've felt bad for bringing up a sore topic for him. Besides, since when did Ed give away personal information easily? Never. Except maybe a snippet when he had been watching the stars with Lyndis. That he used to climb rooftops when he was little. Heck, he still climbed rooftops. Still, he never gave any real, personal, substantial information if he could help it.  So, really, it became a lose, lose situation. Then again, when had it ever been any different around him? People never had any luck talking to him. It always led to something bad. They'd get hurt, or he'd hurt them. Something always went wrong. And that's why no one should ever be around him, or keep him, or like him. He was a ticking time bomb, just waiting to go off, hurting everyone in his wake. His body still blocked any entrance into the forge, and he seriously doubted that Tessa was the type to rush him. He watched her, wondering if she'd make yet another plea attempt. Instead, she started to tighten her grip on her shirt. Upset. Humans registered these physical symptoms as someone being upset. Well, sure, he'd be upset too if they barred him from the forge saying he was fine and ready to work. Gods, what a hypocrite he was.... And then her entire demeanor changed. Instead of just upset, she looked like she was about to cry. Shoot. What did I do this time? There it went. Confirming his theory that he just hurt everyone around him. No. This was for her own good... he didn't want to see her get hurt in the forge... but by doing that, was it just damaging her more? But... her lungs... they said she wasn't ready. And Edmund wasn't ready for a post-war injury reversal or even worse, death. "No reason to be sorry," he said, looking at her eyes. Her shirt fell away from her hands, wrinkled. Her eyes were tinged a dangerous, puffy read. "Sure you are," he said, clearly unbelieving. Who better to understand this lie than him? Hell, even he could tell the signs of "I'm about to cry but I'll shove it down because I'm a Legion solider". The red eyes (duh), the tight hold on her shirt, the over compensation as she corrected her posture. Back to acting as if nothing was wrong.  Yup, that was him.  Edmund "machine, unfeeling, cold, 'won't work on me"' Simons. "Look. I'm sorry if I upset you. I am. But I'm not letting you in." UT: @tessa COMMENTARIUM: x_x *a sink for my cries* VERBA: 480

[Deleted]

I'm   forced to   fake a smile a laugh everyday of   my   life Eddie-mund ::Tag 541 ::Words x__x ::Notes

"No, no. You didn't upset me." she said with that plastic smile. Sure she knew your cheeks had to be included, that it scrunched your eyes a little bit when you smiled. That's what she did, but that didn't mean her eyes looked like they were smiling. They didn't. She was a terrible person, but she could at least pretend. Try to keep pretending that she wasn't bad, or broken. That her heart wasn't torn into pieces, both literally and metaphorically as was the case. Sure her heart had been healed by Apollo, but it had been pierced with two short swords. They had ripped into her shoulders, perfectly aimed at her heart. It was a very traditional way to honorably kill an officer in the Roman army. She should have died, Apollo should have never brought her back. Mors should have taken her soul to the underworld. The best she could hope for was the Fields of Apostle, where she might be able to drink from the River Lethe. The cowards way out, to just forget. To wander around nothing for the rest of eternity. That's who she was though, a cowards and a cheat. Cheating whomever the post of centurion should have gone to. Someone who might have saved more people, kept the cohort safer than she had. She even left the fight, alive. Barely alive, but alive. Nothing short of death should have taken her from that field. If she was a real centurion. Both this war, and the last she had been a disgrace of a legionnaire. Injured, and put into the infirmary. Hypocrite, though she didn't see it that way. She berated herself for things she'd more than accept from other people. If people got hurt in the war she helped them get back to the infirmary alive. For them to live was the only job she really wanted from them at that moment, to get back to their friends and family. She didn't feel she had anyone who'd really miss her, who'd be hurt irrefutably by her death. Her frame seemed small, and thin. Not because she wasn't eating enough, but because she felt small. Though her shoulders where pressed back, they started sinking forward and inward again. Arms tight at her sides, or pulled in front of her. All of it added up to her looking smaller, more fragile. "You're a good person Edmund, I'm....I'm sorry to have bothered you. Tell them I'm fine though....whomever is asking you to keep me out. I'm fine...." Another deep breath, though a little stuttered it shook her chest and she coughed a little bit from the pain. Stretching her lungs wasn't exactly the best method for getting them to heal right. Even though deep breaths where exactly what kept her from crying. Deep steady breaths that calmed her down, instead for now she took more shallow breaths. Not her most believable performance, right after she said she was fine she breathed and winced in pain. It wasn't goof for a centurion, for a legionnaire, for her. Tessa Yates had to be stronger, more reliable than anyone else. If not, no one would look at her. No one would care about her. She couldn't make her father proud.

Lyrics from Because of You by Kelly Clarkson
Code done by step

[Deleted]

because you're already  d e a d  in all the ways that matter "Right," he muttered, fitting in a tone of disbelief. Of course he didn't upset her. Just like he hadn't burned his house down, entered the Legion, fought in two wars, gone on a quest, or betrayed Camp. No, they were all brought up to be good liars when it came to feeling, but sometimes certain things tended to push people off the edge. Once someone was pushed off, it was on a downward spiral they went. Edmund knew. He had gone through it multiple times. He had more or less rebounded every time, slowly dying inside every time it happened, but his body was still physically there. It was happening now. Although, he wasn't quite sure on how many more times he could live through it. What day would his body agree with his mind and snap without a rebound? Every time it happened, he'd think this time would be it... and it just never was. It got rather tiring after a while... Then again, what if she was telling him the truth? Not upset at him, but just upset at herself? Again, personal experience talking. Gods knew how much he hated himself. Of just how much of a hypocrite he was of himself. Bad ribs or not, Edmund would've gone to the forge. He needed to forge. He needed to be less useless than he already was. Only two differences:  One: He knew how to lock pick himself in. Two: No one cared enough to keep him out when injured. That being the case, he just waltzed in, in whatever condition he was in. Maybe he had even agitated his lungs beyond repair (maybe that's why Jason had picked up all that smoke?). Who knew? No one cared (including him). But in all reality, he was almost grateful for that. No one should've cared. Tessa may not've seen it, but she was lucky to have someone who cared enough to keep her locked out for her own good. She deserved to live a long life, not cut short because she was being an idiot and going into the forge when her lungs weren't able to take it. People needed her around here. Him, well... that was a different story. He raised his eyebrows slightly. Good person? That phrase was on the bottom list of "what is Edmund Simons?". "I'm far, far from that," he said tonelessly. "But you aren't." Good person? Nah. He had a laundry list of events to prove that one wrong. His few favorites included being traitor, a grump, an antisocial, and a jerk, attempting to burn down the principia and have Cinny chew Stone's hand off, and killing his own family. Tessa on the other hand, she helped people. Forget her motives. She actually had a role in helping other people, leading, and saving their lives. He gave a slight shrug. "Didn't bother me." Actually, he was quite relieved to see her up and walking around. He wasn't sure if she was supposed to be doing that, but at least she was alright. One less person to worry about. He gave his head a slight shake as he watched her effort to take deep breaths. "I don't think they'll buy that." They'd just been through a war. There were around two dozen dead and so many more had been wounded. Of course no one was expected to be "fine". Except me. I'm always fine. VERBA: 569