Nobody Said It'd Be This Hard || Open

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oh take me back to the s t a r t It was usually so, very simple to decide what to do. Have your own moral standards. Do what you think's right based off of those standards. Protect your family at all costs. Don't sever a promise. Verbal or written. Make everyone's life miserable. Try your best to be useful, even though you're useless. Don't let anyone else know what you're thinking or feeling. Yes... his decisions on how to go about his life were usually simple. Sass everyone. Roll your eyes. Be disrespectful. Work in the forge. Ignore the well earned insults and gossip. Snap at everyone. Try to make Nova a new spine. Look after Jadis. Look after Cinny. Look after Meg, Lyn, Ethan, Josh, Felicity, Rhiannon, Nova, and Ronan. So far, he had fallen short on the "look afters". So what'd he do after that? The only thing he knew how to do as a coping/defense mechanism: he went into unhealthy, stone cold denial. His sleeping patters were short of nonexistent. He probably should've been eating and drinking more. But instead, he went into the forge, trained, came back. On repeat. Over and over to just get through the day. No one noticed, anyway. He didn't want them to. Didn't want them to realize how long they had been housing a half dead forge monkey. It was almost as bad, if not worse than when he had been at Orthys. Trying his best to make them unaware that they had been housing a traitor since the beginning. Going through the actions, like people knew you would... only to hide that you're already dead in all the ways that matter. But, like in Orthys, he had a job to do. He couldn't die. Not yet, anyways. Going into denial and putting his health at risk became preferable to actually acknowledging the reality of the situation and thinking about what could be going on. And then the situation changed, slightly. Meg, Lyn, and Josh were still gone.... but.... Discordia made a horrible decision. She told him Felicity was still alive. His reaction was, of course, predictable: denial. Only after a few moments of slight vulnerably did he even consider the possibility. Months after, he still grasped at the hope... even if he had put it on strict lock down, yet he wasn't prepared for his actual reaction. He wasn't prepared to hear it from a god. And that's what made it all the worse. All the more denial. All the more cynicism. To believe the goddess of discord or not? What were they again? The stages of grief? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance, wasn't it? (At least, that's what he could remember from the various grief councilors he had gone to, no thanks to Em.)  Edmund never did like constructs. So screw stages of grief (although he certainly did go into those too), but today's use of them would be "the stages of finding out your best friend's alive but didn't tell you for months, causing you to go into grieving, and have a slight break down; and then, instead of getting told by said person, you had to be told by someone who you had -1,000,000,000.... trust points in and who you hated". So in denial? Yes. Angry? Yes, once he got enough proof that what Discordia was saying was true. If it was true, then there would be monster out breaks everywhere. She was a daughter of the Big Three for gods sakes. Red flags. He couldn't go to anyone else. He had to keep it to himself. No reason in getting anyone else's hopes up only to have them destroyed. No, if this thing of Discordia's was a hoax, the only one who would be getting hurt by it was going to be him. Now the question.... how to track monster activity. That solution became easy. A day or so later, he had started making a GPS. Not a regular, mortal GPS, but rather... okay, half GPS, half monster locater? Maybe? It was still a work in progress. That, plus he had Cinny hack into other satellites to try and get news from other places in the world. Mortals "saw" monster attacks. Maybe if one was big enough, it'd get on the news. He'd hear about it. He could possibly find her. So he was doing something about it... was this still technically denial? Maybe? He wasn't sure. No, he could never be sure. Not until he had proof. Right now he was just acting off of a sliver of hope and irrationalness. Things like that... Things that usually got him almost killed or just off for the worse in the end. Oh well.... he deserved it. And much more. So where was this anger coming from.... Did he even know? A couple of gods had told him that  he was hard to read. He was getting worse. He couldn't even read himself. Either that... or he didn't want to face his feelings. Again. UT: APERTUS COMMENTARIA: Wow. Ed you hog. No need to match o.o VERBA: 830

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Such a brilliant day to just lounge beside the lake and that was what this certain goddess had all the intent of doing. And a little lake at her favorite little demigod camp was calling her name. Mainly because a certain favorite demigod of hers was there. True, while he wasn't the most eloquent of demigods, and he was obviously not any descendant of her, he did peek her interest. Beside, he always liked to see what happened in the lives of the children of her grotesque husband. She was always surprised when another demigod of his popped up somewhere. Who in their right minds would ever want to share a bed with him, have they seen his face? Venus gave a slight shudder just thinking about it. Curse Juno and her stupid forced wedding. She was just jealous that Venus would steal her precious king away. It was obvious Juno only put up with that big headed gods cheating methods just so she could still hold the title of queen of the gods. What a selfish act.

Anyways, Venus poofed wore normal everyday camper clothes, yet her natural beauty still made her look attractive in the casual t-shirt and pair of blue jean short and sneakers. Her blonde hair cascading down in waves a little past her shoulder. And there he was. Mr. Edmund Simons. The demigod who claimed to not care about anyone, but Venus knew otherwise, it was easy to hide the feelings in the face but that was were Venus had an advantage. She knew the secrets of the heart of everyone. It was harder to hide the fact you cared about people when it was so easily sketched inside. Like now, she heard immortals saying how they couldn't read the almost robot like son of Vulcan and yet Venus knew he was worried about his, may she call him a friend, well she would, his friend Josh and his other friend Felicity. Though, she was surprised he was still worried about that little pain in the butt, didn't everyone believe she was dead? Venus knew, of course, she had seeked her out after hearing how Felicity gave advice to Amelia, after threatening her life of course, regardless, she had to go thank the girl and then she believed Discordia and rumor had it Apollo may know too. Not many people, less than five she believed.

"Isn't today a great day?" Venus asked the want to be machine son of Vulcan. "Where's your little buddy, Cinnabon? No, that wasn't it's name.... hmm, either way, it's weird that he's not following you around. Thought you two had a connection or something." Venus said with a slight shrug, looking at the demigod, not giving her usual smirk, but just trying to read him. Not like she really needed to, all she cared about was the feelings of the heart.

words: 492
notes: Hope you don't mind me popping in here.

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i want to leave but i need to s t a y Edmund had wanted to leave an hour after being told. Even though he didn't have anything to go off of. Even though he didn't know he'd do, exactly. He had to go. Try to find her. Like she had done for him in Orthys. Although, arguably, this was a bit different, but still. He wanted to find her. No matter how upset, or angry he'd get (and in all realism, he'd probably be so relieved to realize she was actually alive that he'd only be angry for a couple of hours), he knew that she had her reasons. He had his after he disappeared on her. She had never questioned him, so... he'd keep his end of it, and respect her decision too. Still, he did wish that she could see that she was strong enough without the goddess's help. No. He had to find her. It was a silent, one sided promise he had made as a friend.... But then he remembered his other promise. The one he had made to Josh before he disappeared. That he'd look after Rhiannon and Art. That's when he realized: he couldn't leave. He couldn't.... He couldn't leave Rhia alone. Josh had been taken from her. Edmund couldn't randomly go MIA on her too. No, he wouldn't leave. But at the same time, he couldn't leave Felicity alone either. It was a horrible feeling, really. Being torn in two ways. Ugh. And this would be so much easier if he didn't have emotions. He wouldn't be in this conflict. He wouldn't even be here. But... she wasn't here. She had made the decision to leave, just as he had. She had gone so far as to fake her own death. Sure, it could've helped them win, but... why not come back afterwards? Why had she just... not come back? Unless she wanted to get away from all of them... on purpose. She didn't come back.... didn't contact them... yet she was alive and well, training with Discordia. At least she was traveling... chased by monsters, but free and happy.... away from all of them. Did they really make her that miserable? That she had to "die" to get away? Edmund stared off across the river. If this is what she wanted... he'd respect it. Whatever made her happy. But he was still going to try to find her.... just to talk to her, if nothing else. He knew that he wasn't supposed to know, but right now, he couldn't... he'd give anything just see and hear her. He'd do an IM, but he had no pin point location. That would make the IM hard. Making Cinny repeat her old voice recordings to him weren't cutting it anymore. Especially now that he knew that she was actually out there. A voice startled him out of his thoughts. He looked over and then glared back across the lake. "Oh, it's you." Stupid goddess of love. He wondered if she had any other powers other than annoyance and getting people together. "Cineribus. He's in the forge." Being useful. Unlike me. UT: Venus COMMENTARIA: Of course!! <3 VERBA: 514

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Oh well, she had gotten the name wrong of his silly toy. Not a big deal to her, she knew it was something along those lines but Cinnabon would be a better name, though she was fairly certain that was a name of some cinnamon roll company. Not that she would really know, those silly snacks were so unhealthy, plus, mortal food tasted bland compared to the immortal food she was so accustomed to. But when she did have mortal food she preferred something more organic, like fruits, vegetables and water. It made her system feel cleansed on the inside as opposed to all those high fat food with all the artificial stuff and chemicals that countries, especially America, loved to shove into their food. How all Americans weren't already overweight was beyond her. Though, there was pop culture to thank for that, leading to many teenagers to starve themselves in hopes of fitting to what the modern view of beauty. Take it from the goddess herself, everyone was beautiful in their own way. The inside was more beautiful than any outside and despite how you see yourself, someone out there thinks you're the most attractive person in the world. As the saying goes, "Theres someone out there for everyone." Venus was a firm believer in that saying and if she had her way, she would make sure her favored son found a match for everyone. Even Mr. Forever Alone Simons here.

"Shame, I always loved that little contraption of yours. Oh well." Venus said waving the subject off. "What brings you out here on this beautiful day? Someone weighing heavy on your mind, or perhaps, your heart?" Venus asked as she followed his example and looked across the lake. Yet, unlike Edmund, she wasn't glaring, she was relaxed and let the small breeze brush her blonde hair back against the wind. Yes, she seemed to always find a way to look good no matter the situation. A few male campers a ways away noticed her and found it almost hard to walk before she rolled her eyes and glanced back at Edmund, to continue her study of him. Some people, when she was wanting to get with them, she was able to manipulate her form into their ideal woman. She wondered what his ideal woman would be, not that she wanted to get with him. But it was just someplace her mind had wandered off to. Did he ever have a preference? He was a teenage boy, everyone was infected by hormones in some manner, it was just science. True, some people were able to ignore them and never want anything to do with them. But that doesn't mean they never had an urge or something before. Whatever, that wasn't why Venus was here. She was here to try to help the guy. Unlike all the other immortals who tried to torment him for a good laugh during a poor moment of their life and cause him even more insanity. Hadn't the guy been through enough? When she thought over his story it ached her and she wanted nothing more than to help make his life a better one. Just like she said to herself at Othrys, she was going to help Edmund, in ways he may not even realize. Just to try to make his sad life a better one.

words: 570
notes: Yay threading with Elliekins ^_^

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watch me slip away He had said it once, and he'd say it again: The gods just enjoyed screwing around with the demigods when they were at their lowest. The more the misery, the more the entertainment. It was a wonder they hadn't gotten bored to death over the centuries. How stupid people must be? (Even Ed thought so). Sure, they created and advanced and stuff, but that was the only real "redeeming" thing about them. They killed each other over petty wants and disagreements. They never learned. They repeated mistake on mistake. They replayed stories over days, weeks, months, years, centuries... Almost nothing was new. Right before the fire, who had he seen? Discordia. Rooftop? Mors. Orthys? Venus and Discordia. Dungeons? Trivia. Here, right after finding about Felicity? Venus. Of course, he should've expected this. Forming patterns! They never appeared with anything good to say. Never helped the situation. Hell, he didn't want their help with the situation. Chances were they were only there to make it worse. Add to the game. Add to the entertainment. Even though they had stated numerous times that they were "there to help" or "just wanted to help", Ed kind of a hard time believing that. Besides them being egotistical three-year-olds, why him? Of all people, why him? He didn't deserve anyone's help. He didn't want it. He didn't need it. He didn't need anyone. And no one needed him. He was fine on his own. He always had been and always would be. The quest had made him weak... yes, he saw it now. The quest, the so called family he had tricked himself into thinking he had, the dream gas... everything and anything good... Why bother? What other use did it have other than for it to be there to be used against him? He was better off at Orthys than here. He was better off dying on the quest than coming back... no coming back, no going to Orthys, no driving Lyn away, no upsetting Felicity... In short, a lot less pain. Then again, he had always been a runner. Of course, at the Legion that didn't show, but in real life, heck yes it did.  Yup, everyone loved Cinny. And why wouldn't they? He was far more useful than Ed would ever be. He gave a slight shrug at her question. What the hell was he doing? Even he didn't know the answer to that these days. Failing at keeping his promise to Josh? Check. Failing at trying to assimilate himself back? Check. Truth was, he didn't know what he was doing. Maybe he never did. What could he do? Nothing. Try to be a good Roman civilian. Try to be useful. Try to find Felicity. He'd probably fail at that too. Finally, he just settled on the truth. A true rarity, but he was tired. So, so tired... of everything. Plus, sleep deprivation made for a good filter breaker. "I don't know." He shook his head slightly at her second question, his guard falling back into place. He didn't do feelings. For a moment, he wondered if she was working her charm on him or something. She certainly had used her godly powers when she had visited him at Orthys: morphing herself into the people that he... no. He couldn't think about that. And if she was using her godly powers, and her children could Charmspeak, what the heck did that make her power? The ultimate Charmspeak? One that even he couldn't back off from? Or did the "too willful to be affected" just cross all borders, demigods and the goddess herself? No matter, no matter... not important. Invalid. "No... nothing." UT: Venus COMMENTARIUM: D: Sorry for this wait Jackie! VERBA: 609

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She studied him. No, nothing. That was always his answer. Short and far from the truth. She could feel that there was something wrong with him. Why couldn't he, for once in his life just open up and let someone help him? It wasn't wise to keep it all bottled up inside forever. She really didn't want to use her charmspeak on him to make him open up, mainly because she knew once the affect wore off he wouldn't ever consider trusting her again. Though, after her stunt in Othrys that one time she doubted he would trust her again. Which, she supposed there could be worse retaliations too. He could have tried to attack her like some demigods do when they lose their cool. Honestly, every single demigod here needed some form of counseling, and badly. Such a shame her sweet little Robin, who, gods bless his heart, tried to counsel these unfortunate demigods, had ended up dying in the war. Though, his idea to try to talk things out with the enemy was noble, it was kind of stupid. Not everything could be solved diplomatically, she knew that from her time with Mars.

"Nothing..." Venus said after him, shaking her head some. "Now we both know that's a lie." She added, which despite how much the young forge kid tried to act robotic, he was born with emotions much like his peer. Therefore she resolved to give him another chance to try to speak about his problems before putting her powers to the test and use her charm speak on him in order to figure out just what was on the mind of the young man in order to help him. "Come now Edmund, what life choices are you struggling with now?" Venus asked him, hoping that the guy will take the chance to open up. How many times do you have to have yourself get hurt from dealing with everything yourself before you realize that maybe getting some help wouldn't be a bad idea? Honestly, the self-loathing routine was getting a little old around this camp. They should all just form a club and try to do stuff that'll make them happy, even if they're anti-social and claim that they don't smile. It's idiotic. Something that annoyed Venus. Yes, she was the goddess of love, and shouldn't everyone try to love themself?

words: 408
notes: ...scary short. I am so sorry, my muse just...died.

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watch me slip away At this point, it wasn't like Ed was trying to lie. .....okay, maybe he was, but it was more automatic than lying. Or maybe lying was just automatic now, just like breathing. He had to be okay. He always had to be okay. He had to look out for himself. He had to look after the people he felt responsible for. He had to make everyone hate him. He had to keep up this facade. He had to keep up all the lies. He had to keep the secrets. He had to keep track of things. He had to work and forge and train. He couldn't afford to not be okay... not here and definitely not now. If he admitted anything now, he was pretty much screwed for life... And there went his facade of being fine. Unless they were so confident in it that he didn't need to pretend anymore. How visibly did he look not okay? Was he jumpy? Did he look over tired? What? He thought he was pretty much acting the same. Or did people just jump to the conclusion that he wasn't? Right conclusion, but, y'know. What could he have done better to mask it? Sure, he had been through some stuff, but that didn't mean that he wasn't okay... Wait. Why did he even start talking to her?! She had helped him on his road down the rabbit hole while at Orthys. She had impersonated Felicity, Lyn, Meg... Why the hell was he still here? Edmund had attacked Pluto... Yelled at Jupiter, Discodia, and Trivia... yet Venus, he kind of felt more relaxed. Either she was doing something, it was just her godly love persona, or he was too run down to resist anything. "We do?" he asked dully. Edmund had tried... and tried to shut off his emotions. Tried to become what he made: a robot, a machine. And he had failed. Probably. Just like he always did. Why would he think of any other result? Various people had seen that he was capable of human emotion towards specific people, so.... Who was he? What did he want? And what was he? Not okay was one. As much as he denied it to himself, he let himself cave every once in a while. No, he wasn't okay. He was upset, missed Josh, missed Felicity, had just gotten war shell shocked again, and had almost gotten sent to an institution for being a loony. Then again, the latter wasn't far from where Em was hell bent on sending him after his last monster attack in the mortal world. He looked over at Venus again as she began talking again. Was she serious now? Taking on the role of a therapist? Even he had to admit, camp really needed one, especially with Carroll gone, but he didn't need one.... "Whether to punch you or not," Edmund said dryly. UT: Venus COMMENTARIUM: All Good <33 VERBA: 483

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Venus couldn't help but give a satisfied smirk, not like a huge one that would scare people, but a little twitch up in the corner and satisfaction gleaming in her eyes. But his comment of wanting to punch her just amused her some. It meant there was a little hint of reaction seeping out of him. After all, if she wasn't getting to close there would be no reason for the animal to try to bite. It was a defensive mechanism. One that Venus was kinda glad at to be threatened, not that she though Edmund was an animal but, well, like all humans, he had some animalistic tendencies. However, she would get to his little notion of debating on punching her or not later.

She gave a slight nod of her head and gave a slight frown as her side bangs fell in front of her eyes, she quickly fixed it with a brush of her hand. "Of course. I can tell about what's really in your heart and you pretend like nothing there exists. The fact that you actually care about people. You try really hard to appear like nothing gets to you. But I can tell Josh's and Felicity's disappearance is getting to you and the fact that little Lyndis joined Dianas troupe and then what had happened to your parents and beloved sister. You don't need to beat yourself up forever." Venus said, calmly. Not in any attacking way, but, well, in a way that someone who cared about you would talk. Calmly and in a welcoming, comfortable way. She knew how a mother's love was and the soothing voice they would use to calm their child or when a teacher who cared about her students had to help them through a difficult situation. Love came in many forms, while she was often associated with lust it was so much more. People could love their hobbies, their friends, their house. Love was something that made you feel comfortable and safe, something that made the world not as scary as other would make it out to be.

"And now, if you want to punch me in the face, I'll let you. If you want to beat me to a pulp, go for it. I'm immortal, it'll hurt for a moment but afterwards I'll be fine." Venus said with a slight shrug, looking away from him and across the lake. "After all, I know I'm hitting sensitive subjects. But I do it for a reason, to help you figure them out. You're not the only person I've tried to help. Many campers in here have asked for my help, or I felt their pain and tried to help them figure out their pain when it came to those they cared about. So yeah, if you want to punch it out instead of talk it out, I'll let you." Venus added before finally going quiet to let him take that in and digest it. She was serious though, if he wanted to punch her she would let him. Immortals were good for punching bags, it only hurt for a little bit but they would never be completely injured when it came to a simple physical fight. Venus just preferred not to get involved in any of them. However, it seemed that one of the few ways Romans got their feelings out was through physical exercise.

words: 575
notes: A bit loner, yay!! Enjoy ^_^

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--Let's play a game-- o o c character d e v e l o p m e n t or am I just going i n s a n e At least he still had that bit of spunk left in him. That little light of anger that was easy to flare up. His usual "shut up or I will whack you" idea. But was it really spunk, or was it still an automatic thing? Just saying what people expected him to say because he was... him. He had no idea, and not knowing what was going on in his own head was sort of starting to freak him out. Life was all about actions and reactions... but what happened when he didn't know why he was reacting the way he was? If he put himself on facade autopilot, would anyone notice, or had he just become really good at acting over these past eight years? Forget acting... it was him now. A thoroughly angry, upset, confused son of....well, no one in his words if they were going to take the Roman route. Son of Alexis and James if they were going the mortal one.... Your mother was a demigod, idiot. Oh. Great. Another thought that he had manage to put himself in denial about until recently... She would've told you. She told your father, right? RIGHT? Not necessarily. How did he react when you "killed" a "class mate?" How did she? Now that Edmund really thought about it... he felt like his father had more of the real surprise when it came to attacks. His father took on a blurry form of confusion while his mother had been.... not calm. But he would get more of an angry "why did you pop up and scare/try to kill my son" vibe from her. She left the majority of the scolding to the school, but at home... what happened...? She didn't say I was dangerous. She didn't say I was hallucinating. But she didn't explain anything either. She knew she'd have to send you away eventually. She knew. She would've told me... she just didn't get the chance to.... Sure, he could forget specific memories. He could forget what they sounded, looked, and smelt like (well, now he remembered since the gas, and he wasn't going to let go of that any time soon), but he couldn't forget the feeling of security he had when he was younger. Unless that had been all a lie too. Of course she nailed it on the head. She was the goddess of reading hearts and blah blah blah. She was right... about everything. Everyone's disappearances were getting to him. His family's had been eating away at him for years, but he supposed it had become one too many, too fast. He barely registered that he was nodding. Barely realized that he was starting to release his old on his careful control over his emotional filter. "You're right... but I will.... or I'll let someone else do it for me," he muttered, giving a slight shrug. "...because, how can I not... I remember everything... I know a couple of truths that I suspected were true but... never thought they'd actually be true..." Yup. There went his guard. Bye bye bye.... and to Venus of all people. If not for everything else rushing through his head, he would've been disgusted with himself. He probably would be later on. This is what he'd get for showing weakness. For showing that he could be vulnerable. Two things that were definitely not the most Roman-like. It wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last, but again, Edmund thought what it could've been like if he stayed in the gas chamber. He would've died, sure. But maybe he could've had the chance to die happy. The threat had mostly been a bluff. He didn't really have the energy, or the will power at the moment. Ed just gave an empty stare across the lake. He vaguely remembered coming back from the quest and talking to Josh while sitting by a lake. They had seen a tree... and noted everything that had changed since they had left... ".... I never really wanted to have it figured out though... or admit attachment... because it either disappears.... or gets used against you.... so pretending's just.... I dunno.... easier?" More of a question than statement. More of a crack than a monotone. UT: Venus COMMENTARIUM: hahahaha... ha x_x VERBA: 711

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Venus couldn't believe she had gotten the little son of Vulcan to actually admit what was going on with him. She should win a medal or something. How many times have people bugged him and he promptly shut himself away and pushed the accuser to the side. If she didn't want to keep the seriousness of the situation going she would be happy with herself and bragging about it to people, but no, she had an actual situation to handle her so she kept the previous demeanor on herself instead of the ecstatic one that was being kept to the side.

"Well, instead of beating yourself up about the issues, you can find a way to move on. Try to live in a way that is for the better in the long run. You know Josh and Felicity are both alive, why not try to help bring both of them. As for your family, don't let their memory be in vain. Think of how they would want you to be living, they would want you to try to be happy, find friends and a group you fit in with. They wouldn't want you to be a loner constantly beating yourself up." Venus said, adding some of her own family wisdom to the mix. For example, with Amelia, Venus knew she was going through a tough time and there was a moment where Amelia though that she hated her. Which, Venus didn't. The point was, Venus didn't want Amelia thinking she was mad at her and cause herself to beat herself up on the matter, no, Venus went and worked out a way to patch things all up with her lovely daughter. True, while Edmund didn't have the motherly figure in his life anymore, hadn't for awhile, he could still find people to help him. There was a nice number of them who cared about him, Joshua Rogers was one, as was Felicity Weingarten and others, probably.

"Easier for you, but I'm sure you've noticed that while you pretend the attachment doesn't exist others are still working to protect you, going out of their way for you because they care about you. Not only would it help you to have it all figured out, but those that care about you, and, despite what you say, that you care about." Venus said gently, still wary of accidentally hitting a fuse that would cause this delicate conversation to turn into a heated argument. That was one thing she really didn't want to have happen.

words: 431
notes: It got short again, I'm sorry T_T

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slipping away Well, Venus had official bragging rights now. She had managed to actually get Edmund to open up and talk. Edmund would've resisted, snapped back... something more Ed like, only he just had no more energy. Being so emotionally shut off and angry all the time had it perks. People left you alone. Your motives were never clear. You could become the 1st cohort Roman solider everyone expected you to be. And, given that you did it for a long period of time, you could convince yourself that you actually felt that way. Besides, getting attached got you dead, or it gave the other party leverage. You needed no one. No one needed you. You didn't care. You were always fine. And then it had it's downsides. First, it took energy. As of now, it just wasn't a resource he had. It had been going down hill for a while now, but it had taken a nose dive since the past war. Second: If the mask cracked, it cracked, and then it took a lot of effort to build back up. But, like so many things he had repaired, he knew the "fixed" version would never be as strong as the original. It could get cracked easier. The weak points were logged, noted until they needed to be used again. And, since he was biologically human, he couldn't do an entire reset on himself... not unless he either hit his head and got full Hollywood amnesia... or died. "That's the point... I don't... want it better for me." He gave a slight nod. "I'll probably get on that," he muttered. Another job he could do to keep himself busy. To keep himself here. Besides, she was right. He should try to help get Felicity and Josh back... mostly because he half blamed himself that they were gone. Because they had other people who missed them... and hopefully Ed could do some good with that, if he was able to find them. At her mention of his biological family, Edmund just gave a slight shrug. He had the same mental on war with himself multiple times. They wouldn't've wanted him to lock himself in a corner and beat himself up, but at the same time, he knew that they wouldn't be happy with his previous behavior either. Especially the traitor bit... or the getting them killed bit (details). No, he had to make up for... everything he had done, really. Would it change things? Nope. But it was his pathetic way of trying to cope. Thinking he was improving things... when in reality, he knew he didn't. And this argument. He sighed. How many times had he gone through this one? Humans. Honestly. What the hell? Did none of them get it? He was a murderer, monster, traitor.... and still, they had the... they decided to... why? Just why? All it did was make things harder. "I don't understand... them... they shouldn't," he grumbled, staring across the lake. "Besides.... I'm not worth protecting." UT: Venus COMMENTARIUM: All good ^-^ VERBA: 501

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All his arguments were his own opinion. He didn't love himself so of course it would be harder for him to figure out why people loved him. He beat himself up, blamed himself, even when it was him who needed to be blamed. All his life he kept his distance away from everyone and questioned anytime some came remotely close to being attached to him.

"The only reason you don't want it better for yourself is because you blame yourself, right? Well, they don't blame you. They have no reason to blame you, you're not the cause for any of the choices that happened to me. Not saying that you aren't important to them, because you are, immensely so. To them, you're their best friend, family; that makes you worth protecting. Whether you like it or not, that's how they see and that's a bond that'll be hard to break so you can either accept it and try to benefit from it, or you can keep fighting against it uselessly because they'll still care by the end of the day." Venus said. She didn't exactly know where the speech came from, but it was something she really needed the young son of Vulcan to accept. That even in his self-pity and how many times he tries to hide under the rock of how he's not important enough or shouldn't be loved, it's going to happen anyway.

With the quest family, yes, by all accounts they were practically a family. They shared that bond now. They say each other in their highs and lows and found a way to deal with each other for months. Those people will share that bond that no one else can talk about and they'll seek each other out when they need it. That's what's going to happen, heck, it has been happening. It was partially the reason Edmund had a roof over his head, through Josh. But also because of the bond he formed with Rhiannon when they both turn coated to Saturn's side. Bonds hold people together and experiences form bonds. Edmund, as Venus has witnessed from keeping an eye on him and many others, has had plenty of those experiences to form the bond that connects him with people. Sure, why he might not want it or accept it, it's there and all this resistance is just making it harder for the people who care about him, but luckily for him they're resilient and keep coming back to bother him.

words: 432
notes: I don't know where I was going with this. SOrry it's short

[Deleted]

slipping away How'd the labeling theory go? Or the self mantra thing? Repeat something or get an idea in a person's head often enough and it'll become truth? Ugh, he really did have too much time on his hands nowadays if he had started reading psychology books as a past time. Then again, reading psychology didn't exactly do him any favors: trying to understand the shrinks that tried to understand him. Sure, he didn't to story time, but also, he felt kind of bad for them. How many people did they have to see everyday? This world being as messed up as it was, probably a lot. And then he'd come along and dump his sob story on the pile. Yeah, no thanks. What kind of child would come in with his sort of stories? Demigod children. THERE'S A MONSTER. Kid, there's no such thing as monsters. It didn't help after his actual therapist had actually been a monsters. What an ironic plot twist. His next "therapist" or person he actually decided to mutter an inch about what had been happening, happened to be an immortal. Yup. He'd defiantly be kicking himself after this one. Stupid filter. Then again, he supposed they all hadn't been wrong. It was near impossible to keep crap in for years and years. Okay, possible, but after a while, it just ended up going down self destruction road. Not one that he was unfamiliar with, but still... Edmund sat there, listening to Venus's little spiel. Almost predictable. Not like he hadn't heard those various arguments from various people. All of whom were almost as stubborn as him. Especially about him being a family member or friend. But Edmund being Edmund, had to fight it. Because, well, that's all he knew how to do: fight it away. Stupid really, the need for human companionship. If had just left him alone for the rest of his life making planes and trinkets in his room, he would've been fine... right? Yes. Fine. Fine. He was always fine. Craving touch, yet always flinching when anyone got close. No matter how many times he did, they never left. And Edmund couldn't understand why. Forget that he was family and whatever. How did they even get like that in the first place? Oh, yeah. Friggin bonding experience. But even that... didn't exactly constitute them sticking around for so long... did it? Sure, they had an experience together, watched each other's backs, and went through hell, but that alone didn't qualify him for family status or whatever... Ugh. "Yeah... but..." Same song, different person. "....they shouldn't." UT: Venus COMMENTARIUM: Venus hit it on top of the head 1st para D: SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT OMGODS. We have matching word counts :D VERBA: 432