What Am I Feeling? {open}

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She had left to save a friend and ended up in a place that was worse than the fields of punishment, tartarus even. She still woke up with nightmares. It was too much for her to have to deal with. She celebrated her fifteenth birthday in pain and in solitude. Needless to say in regards to birthdays that one had to have sucked. Now though she didn't want to be alone, not anymore. She thirsted to be close to someone. Not platonically either. It was weird, she was okay being totally alone before hand. Was it something that was done to her in the cells? Either way she wanted it to go away. She wanted to quit daydreaming about being held close and feeling the warmth of someone else against her. It was repulsive, but at the same time inviting.

Matilda grabbed a pebble and ran it in her hand, feeling the smooth weathered surface. Memorizing its shape and judging how much force she would have to use to make it skip across the smooth surface of the water. After some simple calculations in her hand she moved and flicked her wrist letting the rock leave her hand and bounce three times over the water and then plopping into the abyss under the surface. Three times, she had done better before. Must be because of the stupid feelings she was experiencing, or the rock sucked. Both were extreme variables. She wanted to talk to someone about it, really she did. But she didn't know exactly who. Remus? Yeah, no. That just seemed awkward, but he was the closest older sibling she had and something in her gut told her she needed to ask someone older than her. If things hadn't occurred she probably would have gone to Eve next but that was out. It was too awkward. She had seen her walking free. She wanted to trust the girl she once hoped would end up being her sister but it was difficult to. Mattie hated the taste in women her brother had. Why couldn't he just like normal girls? WHatever, his funeral. Hopefully not literally because that would upset her greatly. She had lost enough family already.

words: 374
notes: OPEN MATTIE THREAD

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Marie still wasn’t fond of this swimming idea, so she was officially avoiding it. When she spotted someone by the lake, her first thought was Mika, and then to beeline for somewhere else so she wouldn’t be forced into a swimsuit and then into the lake. But on closer look, the individual in question was a little too young-looking to be Mika. That and she was throwing things at the water. Probably not something a daughter of Neptune would do. So she ventured over. As she got closer, she recognized the young lady. Centurion of fourth, though Marie didn’t know her name. So she did the only logical thing: she walked up and started talking. “Wow, was that three skips? I usually only get like one. If that!” she laughed. For good measure, she picked up a stone and weighed it in her hands a moment, then flicked her wrist. Plop. In it went, no skip at all. “Oh… well, win some, lose some. Naturally when I’m trying it in front of someone else, though, it goes wrong. Ah well.”

She dusted her hands off on her jeans and smiled at the younger girl. “Anyway, I’m Marie Winters, daughter of Janus, fifth cohort. And I know you’re a centurion of fourth, right? Don’t know you’re name though, I don’t think. Sorry.” She gave her an apologetic look as she picked up another stone and brushed the dirt off it. This one seemed smoother and flatter, so hopefully better. “Not to sound like a creeper or anything, but I remember seeing you in the last war games. You were like… really good. Hey, maybe we can train together some time. I could use some pointers. Seeing as fifth isn’t really known for its shining glory.” Albeit, fourth wasn’t much better regarded, but at least they weren’t cursed, right? Yeah, she wasn’t fond of that. Since it was a sibling of hers that had made it so, when she’d first got here, she’d gotten a lot of looks. People expecting her to turn out the same way. Her father believed in her though, and that meant a lot. She didn’t bother to ask him about her brother, though, figuring he likely wouldn’t want to talk about him. That was like asking Pluto about Hitler. You just didn’t do it. She tossed the stone. Two skips. That brought a smile to her face. “There we go!”

Tag: Mattie!
Word Count: 403
Notes: Marie and Michael had a war for this thread…

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Mattie looked up quickly at the voice who spoke. She recognized her, kind of. People did point out the daughter of Janus and made mention before about how there was once another kid of Janus in fifth cohort once before. Mattie didn't care for gossip so she tuned it all out. What happened in the past was the past. Why bother with it now? She just looked at the female in front of her as she started talking about stone skipping and about how she sucked in front of other people. To Mattie that just sounded like someone who didn't practice enough and therefore didn't feel confident in their ability to perform in front of someone. That was why hard work and dedication was needed for every task you set yourself for.

Mattie let out a sigh when she said she didn't know her name. Then again she wouldn't have expected her too. It was always the people in first and second cohort who were known and remembered them and the praetors. Mattie was sure they never had problem finding people to share a moment with since they were so popular. They had probably been close with a number of people before they turned fifteen. Gods, what was wrong with her? Stupid thoughts needed to go away. "It's Mattie. It's fine that you don't know. Despite you being in fifth I'm just in fourth. Neither of our cohorts are the shining stars of Camp. We're lucky if we get kitchen duty let alone anything cool or amazing." Mattie said with a slight sigh. "Don't you have your own centurions to train you? Why can't they do it?" Mattie asked with a slight whine in her voice. It wasn't Maries fault. Mattie was just in a very conflicted mood and not even picking up a sword seemed to calm the conflict within her.

She watched as Marie tried another pebble and raised an eyebrow as it completes a couple of jumps. Maybe it was just bad luck the first time. She looked at Marie and suddenly she realized something. Marie was a girl. Maybe she knew what Mattie was dealing with. "You're a girl, aren't you? Do you think you can help me with um.. stuff... girl stuff. Like with feelings and emotions and that kind of stuff. Please? The last girl I felt comfortable asking this stuff to kind of isn't available." Mattie asked giving the older girl an innocent pout.

words: 415
notes: heheehe

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Awkward. Maybe this encounter was a bad idea. The sigh there was obvious proof that Marie was not being welcomed aboard particularly warmly. Part of her flared out mentally, arguing that how in blue blazes was she supposed to know every single person’s name here. The other part gave in, accepted that there was no hope that this girl would be her friend, nor even likely her acquaintance. Compliments of being her father’s daughter. She would still try though. It was like the last time she’d talked to Chris – bless his heart, poor soul – and he’d asked if she was always that optimistic. She’d replied that she tried to be. Well, for him, she would do so right now. So she put on a smile. “Hey, fourth’s not so bad. And so what if we don’t get all the best stuff. We’re still full-blown legionnaires. That’s something to be proud of.”

Strike two. Marie fiddled with the hem of her shirt, a nervous habit. “Right, of course. Sorry. You’re probably busy enough as it is. I just thought it might be fun, you know, just kind of hanging out sort of thing. But yeah, I’ll just… yeah.” Nothing against Ronan and Josh, but the fact of the matter was, it was more fun to hang out with other girls sometimes. She didn’t really have any female friends to speak of, not like more than just say hi in passing sort of thing. She had Chris (albeit more than friends), she had Kyle Hydee, she had-… um… Well, Lilith and Zoe kinda, but they didn’t hang out as much as she’d like. Maybe she should actually like go hunt one of them down to chill with for a while. Maybe get lunch or something, chat. That would be fun. For the time being, she let go of her shirt and occupied her hands by pitching another stone. Okay, seriously, why was it that she did better under pressure? She asked herself as it finally skipped. New key to being good at trivial things: don’t think about them. Note taken.

Then Mattie spoke up, which was all well and good, but what she said, now that was unusual. “Um, last time I checked I was…” Girl stuff? Whoa, they just crossed from random bump-into to like super close friends topics, and it kind of gave Marie a bit of whiplash. But at the same time, she wanted to help. Gods curse her if she ever left a fellow female – or anyone for that matter – in need when she could have done something. Albeit, her expression was a little lost for a moment, but she hurriedly remedied that with a smile. “Well sure, Mattie! I mean, heck, if you don’t have a girl friend to talk to about that sort of stuff… that’s bad news. So yeah, I’m completely here for you. Feelings, emotions, anything. What’s on your mind?”

Tag: Mattie
Word Count: 486
Notes: That, Miss Mattie, was the most random way to make a friend. Power to you! XD

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What's on her mind. Was there even words to explain what was on her mind. Gods, she hated this feeling. It was stupid and annoying and why did she even have to grow up in the first place? Why couldn't she be like Peter Pan and say a kid forever, fighting off pirates. Sure, she could have joined the hunters but, she never wanted to leave her family. She had lost her mom and Val already, she didn't want to lose anyone else because she decided to run off with little girls playing hunter. She took a breath and looked at Marie. Could she even trust her to tell her the stuff on her mind?

"Okay so... I think that when I was abducted to that place that they did something to me. I don't know, I'm just... I'm different, or my brain is." Mattie said, stumbling over words trying to find the right thing to say. "See, I just really kind of want someone. Just as a comfort. You know, someone to hold me if I cry and be there for me. But... more than in a friend way. Ugh! I'm sorry, I know it's weird. But how do I get rid of it?" Mattie asked looking at the older girl with a bit of sadness in her eyes. Sure, a part of her had a feeling it might not have been anything that the stupid organization that took her did but still, if it was that means it could be cured. And she couldn't help but remain a bit hopeful. It was better than the feeling that she would never find someone and be left with just her and a training dummy to keep her company until the end of time. It was just a sucky feeling that kind of depressed her on the inside, not that she would really let anyone in on that.

Though, maybe Mattie asked the wrong person. After all, after hearing the name she started to remember some things. She was dating Chris, that son of Jupiter in first cohort who use to date her sister, Charlie. Maybe this Marie didn't know what it was like to not have anyone. After all, she was pretty, finding someone must have been easy. At least easy compared to Mattie who saw herself as some weird hybrid of a boy and girl in appearance.

words: 405
notes: ahhh young teenage angst

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Marie listened silently as Mattie seemed to be picking her words carefully. So it wasn’t puberty, that was good. While she wouldn’t not help, taking a brand spanking new friend, ahem, feminine hygiene product shopping… that would be kind of weird. This, this was better. Talking was usually easier than… other stuff. Thankfully, Mattie also looked a little on the older side for that to be just starting. Mattie paused, but Marie didn’t say anything, hoping she would elaborate on this different. Thankfully, she did just that. Marie nodded, thinking back to the time she was younger and going through all these changes. Not fun. Say, maybe that would actually help. She frowned though, when Mattie asked how to get rid of it. She looked so sad! “Oh, Mattie, I don’t think you can get rid of it. I’m sorry. But trust me, it grows on you after a little bit. Just give it time.”

She took a seat in the grass and patted the ground next to her to see if her new friend would sit with her. “I can at least tell you what I did about it, if that helps? See, I must have been about… oh, fifteen? When I first started to not want to be alone like you. It’s a weird feeling. And, see, lucky for you, you have an advantage. You’re pretty. I was a mess. Scrawny and acne and let’s not even go into my mood swings. I had like zippo friends, let alone hope for a more than friend. It was horrible, so not going to lie, I kept a moody teenager diary. Totally did. But you know, what I ended up doing, was just keep company with a good friend, Allison Vortez at the time, but she died in the latest war, so yeah… but the point is, have at least one really good friend you know you can talk to. Female friend preferably because girls just understand each other better. And don’t give up hope. I was, um, sixteen when I finally found someone. Only lasted less than a month, but don’t let that get you down, okay? Just be yourself. That’s how I ended up with Chris. I actually called him out for being a jerk to someone and now look!” She laughed. “The point is, have people you can talk to, try not to dwell on the feeling, and be yourself. It will get to the point where you don’t notice the nagging anymore as much, then out of the blue it will be like the problem solves itself!”

Tag: Mattie!
Word Count: 431
Notes:

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Mattie couldn't help stop the frown that was leading down her face. Couldn't get rid of it? Well why not? She wanted it gone. It had no right being there. She needed to focus on fighting and being better than all her siblings to make both Mars and Bellona proud of her. She didn't need these stupid feelings that made her want to be held close by someone and cared in a special way. She didn't even know that special way but she desired it. She wanted someone to look at her the way Remus had looked at the girls he liked. But yet it annoyed her. Whatever.

She figured she could at least her the fifth cohort member so she took a seat on the grass beside the older female. Of course she had to resist every urge in her body to interrupt her, especially at the bit when she said Mattie had the advantage of being pretty. Honestly, had the girl saw herself in the mirror that morning, she was a heck of a lot more gorgeous than Mattie was. She got mistaken for a boy, which use to not bother her and she was fine with it. Throwing gender norms to the side and showing any guy who thought that because she was a girl she was weak, was an idiot. Mattie instead opted to cue her signature rolling of the eyes and lean back to lay in the grass as she continued to listen to Marie ramble off. Seriously this girl turned an answer into a monologue.

"Yeah but being myself scares people. I don't know how Nova did it. Her and Lance, it's so cute and ugh, I hate it. I want something like that one day." Mattie grumbled out finally. Gods, if anyone were to hear her say that besides Marie she might actually go red in embarrassment about admitting that. "But I just don't understand. One day I can go from thinking that boys are stupid morons and the next to actually thinking they're kind of attractive and want one to call my own and that's completely normal? Sounds like it would be cause for concern in my opinion." Mattie said followed by a long, annoyed sigh. Why was the mind confusing and growing up so weird? When was it going to be over?

words: 405
notes: sorry that it is kind of short, muse was being meh

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Marie could tell the younger girl was not pleased with what was being said. Maybe there was a better way she could go about saying it? She attacked it from the best angle she could think of. At least there was the helpful hint that she took a seat. That was good, right? She was up for hearing what Marie had to say. Maybe she has no choice, that unhelpful voice in her mind told her. No, that couldn’t be it. She’d seen enough of this girl, Mattie, to know that no nonsense would be allowed to linger in her presence. If she was here still, it meant she wanted to be. Mattie did not seem the type to take anyone’s crap sitting down, but rather with a strong fist to the face or something equally as aggressive.

She leaned back on her hands as the younger girl laid back and turned her head so she could regard her. “Then be yourself. Right now. Because if you are, you’re not doing a very good job of making me want to run away. No offense.” She was joking, of course, sort of. It was true, that she saw nothing wrong with this girl. She was a little rough around the edges, but she was still young, and with her rank, that was kind of expected, right? She grinned as Mattie continued. “Soooo… you hate it, but you want it? No, I get what you mean. Gods, do I. The only advantage I ever had was that I didn’t care about looking tough. No offense. I just mean that it didn’t repulse me as much, just that they were kind of annoying. Sounds like you have a whole new angle you’re taking this from though. I’ll try to help how I can.”

Marie nodded as she listened and had to laugh a bit when she finished. “Okay, let’s see if I can help then. I’ve been doing a lot of studying lately, just casual stuff, on mental disorders and just mental… stuff. I want to be a psychologist, see, so kind of fits. What I’m saying is, I am at least a tiny bit familiar with what should cause concern, though definitely not as much as I wish I was. Anyway. What you’re saying, about thinking they’re morons and then the next day wanting one of your own… I can see why that would be completely disturbing. But seriously, it’s just puberty. Yeah, puberty does crazy stuff to your head too, take my word. This is just one of the things. You kind of just have to work through it. I’m sorry. But… for what it’s worth, I’ll be here to listen and help whenever you want to talk. That’s really the best thing for it.”

Tag: Mattie
Word Count: 464
Notes: Marie just wants to be friends! Haha, though something tells me with Mattie that will be a Herculean task.

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Mattie shot Marie a very annoyed look. Granted, it was kind of funny. In a weird way at least she thought it was funny. Not that she would admit that. But she let her talk. Gods did this girl talk. Was she this bad when she rambled? Now she felt bad for anyone who had the misfortune of talking to her when she did indeed hit a rambling spell. She must have been so annoying to listen to. Not that Marie was annoying to listen to. Mattie was learning a good few things from her. Like how much she hated puberty even more. First you get bad skin, then you end up bleeding for no apparent reason. It wasn't like she got wounded for a whole week to cause it. It was pointless! Seriously, just get rid of all of it. Then her life would be a heck of a lot better.

She groaned. "Puberty. I know I should have gone into the hunters before all of this happened. I just.." Mattie stopped to let out a sigh. "I just didn't want to leave my family. Especially not my brothers. And also, New Rome and Camp Jupiter is all I know. The only time I left camp was to go to lupa and then the second time I left I got kidnapped for trying to save a friend. How would I even survive away from the legion. I don't know any other way to live." Mattie finished. Wow, she kind of sounded lame. But it was true. She had the blood of not just one war god but two. She always felt more at home in armor than in a dress. Her mom had tried her best to teach her how to fight since the moment she first stood up. Not that Mattie would have had it any other way but seriously, how would she be expected to live any other kind of life? Even the end of her service to the legion was a scary though. She had no idea what she would end up doing in New Rome. What options were even there for a battle worn and always ready for a fight female was there in New Rome? As far as she knew there wasn't many options. Maybe become a gladiator. She was sure to become a fan favorite in no time without a doubt.

words: 411
notes: Mattie will begrudgingly admit that Marie is a friend XD

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Uh oh. That was a bit of a red flag there. Marie paused half a second before continuing, deciding she still wanted to say her piece. She still kind of believed she could be of some help, though she was starting to doubt if the help was really wanted. Which brought on all sorts of fun thoughts. Yay having a history as Camp’s personal BPD freak show. Honestly, if she didn’t have Chris now, she didn’t know where she’d be. Probably alone, chasing dreams no one believed her capable of reaching. She didn’t really have any friends. And this Mattie girl so far was not sounding like she wanted to be a candidate for that either. Mattie seemed to be definitely the Type A sort. She didn’t like doing nothing. Like she always had to be moving, preferably at something productive. Marie’s mom was like that. Which had been interesting to live with growing up, because Marie had been – and still was – a healthy mix of both A and B. Sometimes the best thing was training or studying. Sometimes she just wanted to sit on her bed and write in her journal, or lie in the grass at night and stargaze.

Mattie’s groan pulled her back. She smiled sadly. “You’re brave to stay. I don’t know, I always kind of thought the Hunters were great and all, like I really respect them, but… I think living this life here is harder.” She took a chance and reached over to place a hand on Mattie’s shoulder. “I’m sure they really appreciate you being here with them.” She looked out over the lake as she listened. “I know what you mean. I mean, I was out when I was little, but still… it’s this place that feels like home.” She looked back to her. “I mean, we’re practically completely raised to be fighters. I imagine for you it was probably even more so.” She paused, then smiled slightly as something dawned on her. “You know, I think you would be a great trainer. If you’re looking for something post legion career plans. I mean, pick your age. Kids, legionnaires, professionals. I bet you’d be really great at it. And heck, you’re a centurion already, so no telling where you’ll end up by the end of your service. Probably earn a lot of respect by the time you’re out of here. Then people would be lining up to learn from you. I mean… that’s why I asked if you’d help me, so you already have my respect.”

Tag: Mattie
Word Count: 424
Notes: yay!!!

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Mattie gave a slight nod at Marie's words. She might have had a point. A small one. Mattie could see why people might think legion life was hard. They were growing up and dealing with the problems and they could easily get killed. For the life of the hunter you were practically immortal, unless you fell in battle, then you were dead for sure. But still. Mattie didn't know, both seemed to have their pros and cons but her family was a big deal to her. No matter how many times she would have ran into a hunter and they would say that they would become her new family it just wouldn't be the same. All she's known has been New Rome and the legion. She still remembered when she first joined and was a tad intimidated by her older siblings, especially Remus, but she grew close to them and now Remus was her ideal older brother, she couldn't just leave him. What kind of sister would that make her?

"I suppose..." Mattie thought for a moment about her future plans before a grin formed on her face. "I was thinking of being a gladiator for a few years actually. It'd be awesome. I'd get paid to beat people up! I mean, yeah sure, eventually I'll retire but it'd be so much fun, you have no idea." Mattie said probably far too excited about the idea than someone other than a child of war gods would understand. But to her, gods did it sound fun. She couldn't just do some simple job after the legion. She liked to be active still. Being a gladiator was just perfect. She'd still get to train and fight too, of course that was if she didn't extend her service. She didn't know what do after the legion so adding another few years wouldn't be so bad. Remus did it and people don't judge him for it. Heck, Mattie even believed that Remus might be there so long that by the time she became praetor he would be her co-praetor. Even if that wasn't probably going to happen it was still a funny thought to play with from time to time.
"And then, not only would I have their respect but I'd be the best most famous fighter in the stadium too." Mattie added with a bit of a laugh.

words: 404
notes: see, Mattie isn't that scary XD

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Marie picked up another rock to occupy her hands while she rambled about the hunters and Roman life. She ran her fingers over the smooth stone, weathered from being in the lake. When she was little, she probably would have kept this stone because it was perfectly oval and so smooth. Back when she lived with her mom, she probably would have made a mommy-daughter craft out of making the stone into a pet rock. Yes, she’d had a pet rock growing up. Her mom had been allergic to animal dander, so she couldn’t have a puppy or kitten no matter how much she asked, and she had actually been one of those weird ones who thought anything else was wrong. No fish, no birds, no anything. So her mom got her a cute little pet rock from a shop owned by some washed up hippie in the area and four year old Marie had thought it was the best thing ever. Her mom still had it. Maybe she’d ask her to send it here. Just for the memories. Though that would probably make her appear even less Roman than she already was.

Gladiator, huh? Marie had to smile. “Oh man, you’d be great at that! I’d so come see you fight. You’d be the best for sure. Imagine how all those guys would feel about being beat by a girl. Oh that would be so funny. Oh yeah, I’d root for you.” She laughed, more out of just being happy to hang out with another girl and have fun talking. Even if it was something she didn’t fully understand – she could never be a fighter like Mattie – it was fun. “We could team up. You kick their butts, then I’ll be their therapist for that awful blow to their ego!” she joked.

Words: 303
Tag: @matilda
Notes: I’m really starting to like this duo.