Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2013 21:05:30 GMT -5
Well here are musings. I'm not much one for really keeping a journal or a diary, those things are too personal, too emotional. But my Anger Management Therapist suggested that I should occasionally jot down my thoughts and then bring them in so we can get to the deep down depth of my personal issues. He says I'm angry, my next thought after that is no shit sherlock. But whatever, I will do what the old coot wants.
So feelings... what are those things? I wasn't issued feelings, come to think of it I don't think I was born, I was just standred issued. I'm used to thinkgs like cold and hard steel. The sharp edge of a blade, the weight of a mace, that is what I know. I know the blood dripping from an open wound and I know the smell of fear when the little kids come across me on the battle field. That's the emotions that I can best relate to. But what is that in comparison to the rest of the world?
So I guess the real question is what makes me so angry. I don't know, it's hard since there's a lot that pisses me off. I hate it when I get a bunch of little nooblets under my command. I hate when they fall out of step and I hate having to correct them. For the most part, being around Edmund pisses me off. I hate him with the core of my being. I try so hard to be as nice as I can, which is hard considering things. I don't really do nice, but I'm trying my hardest to not kill him. I just try to vent out all the anger and frustration out on the training dummies, but I think the arena master is mad that I keep splintering the wooden dummies in the arena.
I'm also kindda mad at my dad. I'm terrified of the man, the divine. He is the single most person that I am afraid of in the entire world. I've met death, someone much more gentle then I expected. I've met plenty of people who would rather seperate my head from my body, but nothing compares to the feeling of standing in my father's presence. That feeling of inaqudacy or that I'm just not good enough. There are many other children of Mars out there and I cannot be as good as any of them. I know he prefers Remus to me. Remus is a real Roman, a real man. I'm just a woman. Someone who's not supposed to be a soldier, someone who is too compromised by emotions to be able to be a soldier. I will never be as good as what my father can expect. As a centurion, I try my hardest to keep the discipline and make the first cohort the best that it always has been. It just doesn't seem enough.
I'm afraid though, afraid of these recent feelings that I've had. It's not anger or rage or even emotional indifference. maybe once I have things more figured out, I will write more to it.
till next time,
charlie.
So feelings... what are those things? I wasn't issued feelings, come to think of it I don't think I was born, I was just standred issued. I'm used to thinkgs like cold and hard steel. The sharp edge of a blade, the weight of a mace, that is what I know. I know the blood dripping from an open wound and I know the smell of fear when the little kids come across me on the battle field. That's the emotions that I can best relate to. But what is that in comparison to the rest of the world?
So I guess the real question is what makes me so angry. I don't know, it's hard since there's a lot that pisses me off. I hate it when I get a bunch of little nooblets under my command. I hate when they fall out of step and I hate having to correct them. For the most part, being around Edmund pisses me off. I hate him with the core of my being. I try so hard to be as nice as I can, which is hard considering things. I don't really do nice, but I'm trying my hardest to not kill him. I just try to vent out all the anger and frustration out on the training dummies, but I think the arena master is mad that I keep splintering the wooden dummies in the arena.
I'm also kindda mad at my dad. I'm terrified of the man, the divine. He is the single most person that I am afraid of in the entire world. I've met death, someone much more gentle then I expected. I've met plenty of people who would rather seperate my head from my body, but nothing compares to the feeling of standing in my father's presence. That feeling of inaqudacy or that I'm just not good enough. There are many other children of Mars out there and I cannot be as good as any of them. I know he prefers Remus to me. Remus is a real Roman, a real man. I'm just a woman. Someone who's not supposed to be a soldier, someone who is too compromised by emotions to be able to be a soldier. I will never be as good as what my father can expect. As a centurion, I try my hardest to keep the discipline and make the first cohort the best that it always has been. It just doesn't seem enough.
I'm afraid though, afraid of these recent feelings that I've had. It's not anger or rage or even emotional indifference. maybe once I have things more figured out, I will write more to it.
till next time,
charlie.